happy heaven day...

dinner at the beach for Arianna & Brianna's 1 year anniversary in heaven...

waiting for sunset.... 

little jayden started crying as we prayed....

happy anniversary in heaven to our little angels... xoxo

happy 1st birthday...

CarlyMarie Project Heal

 

 

 

 

i woke up this morning with 2 thoughts... it was our wedding anniversary and it was also Arianna and Brianna's 1st birthday...

 

i didn't want to get out of bed... i wanted to keep my eyes closed forever... but as i heard my alarm ring for the 5th time, i gently rolled out of bed and began waking up jazlynn and jayden to get ready for school...

 

just before we left the house, the three of us sang happy birthday to the twins.... it was nice... and i know that jazlynn and jayden miss their sisters...

 

my heart is so heavy as we celebrate this day with out them here... i'm hoping and praying that they are having so much fun playing and being the birthday girls in heaven...

 

happy heavenly 1st birthday to Arianna & Brianna... mommy loves you so very much....

 

 

 

heres a song for you girls....





 

 

 

it's almost your birthday...

"it's almost your birthday girls... time has gone by so quickly and i am amazed at how this year has been... i know that you are home in heaven and i pray everyday for you and to let you know how much i love you so much and miss you like crazy... i had imagined spending february 4, 2013 with daddy this year as we celebrate our 7-year anniversary with two little rascal girls and having to find babysitters while we try to sneak in a dinner, just the two of us... instead, we are so lucky to be celebrating your very first birthday on february 4, 2013... we will have some cake and celebrate your Happy Birthday...

but i can't help but cry as i think about the day you were born... mommy is still sad... mommy's heart hurts and i miss you both... so much...

i love you with every little bit of my broken heart...big big hugs and lots and lots of kisses from me to the both of you"

CarlyMarie Project Heal

countdown...

...simply put...

i'm sad that the birthday and anniversary of the death of my babies are approaching...

but what am i supposed to say already?.... that i'm still sad... that it brings back memories... that i am stronger but i still wish everyday that this never ever happened?

i'm still so incredibly sad... and i'm so tired of crying already...

Good-bye 2012...

...what a year...

i wish i could shout out that i'm so ready to get this year over and done with... this year has changed the way i look at so many things... it has changed my entire life...

but this year has also taught me so many things about life and about myself that i never knew or even thought about...

i will always remember that 2012 was the year that my beautiful twin girls were born... and the year they went to heaven...  Arianna and Brianna are always a part of our family and a part of our lives... i'm so grateful that we have friends and family who still remember and who still love our girls just as much as we do...

i will never forget how difficult this journey has been... grieving... anger... healing... and it's still not the end...

in a way, i am so ready to be over this year... to be done with any regret and sadness... and yet, i'm a little afraid to say good-bye... good-bye to a year that has carved a scar in my heart so deep that it still bleeds from time to time...

good-bye 2012... i'm ready for all the luck and love that 2013 has to bring..

all the best to everyone in the new year

12/21/12.... my 30

remember when you were in school, and you had to write those silly papers on "what you want to accomplish by the time you turn __".  well, ever since i could remember, i had always imagined that by the time i turned __ (aka 30), i would be married to a rich and handsome guy, live in a big house, drive a really nice car, have 2 children, and a great job where i could dress in office clothes and wear high heels to work... 

up until about a year ago, i was on that path to almost achieving it all... and now, the life i had expected to be living at this time in my life is almost that life that i had always dreamed it would be... with just one big thing missing... "happiness..."


as i sit here, with less than 2 hours left until my birthday (or the end of the world as some may say), i feel so sad and lost...


what is my life's purpose... why do i feel so empty and sad?  will the new year bring new love, joy, and happiness into my heart?


this past years has definitely been the most difficult year of my entire life... and i feel like i should be looking forward to something... but i don't... i just feel so sad... i miss my babies... i'm sad that it's the holidays and i don't feel like celebrating but i have to put up with it... i want to be bringing my 2 little babies to the christmas gatherings and being able to share their first christmas with them... i want to have my babies be the reason i'm done having kids by the time i turn 30....  i want to have my babies.... end of story...



i guess there's no stopping time... so here's to 12/21/12... my 30.... ready for something to look forward to...

...missing our angels...