happy heaven day...

dinner at the beach for Arianna & Brianna's 1 year anniversary in heaven...

waiting for sunset.... 

little jayden started crying as we prayed....

happy anniversary in heaven to our little angels... xoxo

happy 1st birthday...

CarlyMarie Project Heal

 

 

 

 

i woke up this morning with 2 thoughts... it was our wedding anniversary and it was also Arianna and Brianna's 1st birthday...

 

i didn't want to get out of bed... i wanted to keep my eyes closed forever... but as i heard my alarm ring for the 5th time, i gently rolled out of bed and began waking up jazlynn and jayden to get ready for school...

 

just before we left the house, the three of us sang happy birthday to the twins.... it was nice... and i know that jazlynn and jayden miss their sisters...

 

my heart is so heavy as we celebrate this day with out them here... i'm hoping and praying that they are having so much fun playing and being the birthday girls in heaven...

 

happy heavenly 1st birthday to Arianna & Brianna... mommy loves you so very much....

 

 

 

heres a song for you girls....





 

 

 

it's almost your birthday...

"it's almost your birthday girls... time has gone by so quickly and i am amazed at how this year has been... i know that you are home in heaven and i pray everyday for you and to let you know how much i love you so much and miss you like crazy... i had imagined spending february 4, 2013 with daddy this year as we celebrate our 7-year anniversary with two little rascal girls and having to find babysitters while we try to sneak in a dinner, just the two of us... instead, we are so lucky to be celebrating your very first birthday on february 4, 2013... we will have some cake and celebrate your Happy Birthday...

but i can't help but cry as i think about the day you were born... mommy is still sad... mommy's heart hurts and i miss you both... so much...

i love you with every little bit of my broken heart...big big hugs and lots and lots of kisses from me to the both of you"

CarlyMarie Project Heal

countdown...

...simply put...

i'm sad that the birthday and anniversary of the death of my babies are approaching...

but what am i supposed to say already?.... that i'm still sad... that it brings back memories... that i am stronger but i still wish everyday that this never ever happened?

i'm still so incredibly sad... and i'm so tired of crying already...

Good-bye 2012...

...what a year...

i wish i could shout out that i'm so ready to get this year over and done with... this year has changed the way i look at so many things... it has changed my entire life...

but this year has also taught me so many things about life and about myself that i never knew or even thought about...

i will always remember that 2012 was the year that my beautiful twin girls were born... and the year they went to heaven...  Arianna and Brianna are always a part of our family and a part of our lives... i'm so grateful that we have friends and family who still remember and who still love our girls just as much as we do...

i will never forget how difficult this journey has been... grieving... anger... healing... and it's still not the end...

in a way, i am so ready to be over this year... to be done with any regret and sadness... and yet, i'm a little afraid to say good-bye... good-bye to a year that has carved a scar in my heart so deep that it still bleeds from time to time...

good-bye 2012... i'm ready for all the luck and love that 2013 has to bring..

all the best to everyone in the new year

12/21/12.... my 30

remember when you were in school, and you had to write those silly papers on "what you want to accomplish by the time you turn __".  well, ever since i could remember, i had always imagined that by the time i turned __ (aka 30), i would be married to a rich and handsome guy, live in a big house, drive a really nice car, have 2 children, and a great job where i could dress in office clothes and wear high heels to work... 

up until about a year ago, i was on that path to almost achieving it all... and now, the life i had expected to be living at this time in my life is almost that life that i had always dreamed it would be... with just one big thing missing... "happiness..."


as i sit here, with less than 2 hours left until my birthday (or the end of the world as some may say), i feel so sad and lost...


what is my life's purpose... why do i feel so empty and sad?  will the new year bring new love, joy, and happiness into my heart?


this past years has definitely been the most difficult year of my entire life... and i feel like i should be looking forward to something... but i don't... i just feel so sad... i miss my babies... i'm sad that it's the holidays and i don't feel like celebrating but i have to put up with it... i want to be bringing my 2 little babies to the christmas gatherings and being able to share their first christmas with them... i want to have my babies be the reason i'm done having kids by the time i turn 30....  i want to have my babies.... end of story...



i guess there's no stopping time... so here's to 12/21/12... my 30.... ready for something to look forward to...

...missing our angels...

 



...the many "firsts" without you...

just as i began to find my self being stronger and a new energy for life building back in my heart... i find myself begin swallowed up by these moments of 'predictable heartbreak and sadness'.... predictable because i somewhat prepared myself for certain moments of sadness... but when it actually happens... it's difficult, but i know it's part of the process....

just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...

over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..."  it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....

then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....

so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....

... taking down the crib...

i knew taking down the crib would be difficult... knowing that the crib was put together just 3 weeks before i gave birth but not knowing that i would never bring home the 2 little precious babies that would sleep there...

for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....

in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....

then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....

but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone... 

Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find...  tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3

6 months ago...

Six months ago yesterday, I gave birth to two amazing little girls that I had felt move and grow in my tummy...

Six months ago yesterday, I made the decision to try to save my babies lives because I knew they would make it...

Six months ago today, my babies were alive... I had the greatest hopes for their lives and never thought they would not make it... I remember seeing Shane arrive to the room at around 6 in the morning and going straight to the NICU to see the girls.  I was still in a wheel chair...

Six months ago today, the girls were doing good... The doctors and nurses did say that they were the smallest ones in there and that it would be a tough fight... But I never thought the fight would end so soon.

Six months ago tomorrow, the girls left us to go to heaven...

Six months ago tomorrow.... My heart broke when I loss both my girls on the same day... I still can't believe that this is my life... I have never felt such pain and yearning for someone(s) that I can't be with.

Six months ago... I loss my little girls... And with them, I felt my dreams and ambition drift away...

I miss my babies so much...

empty arms...

who knew empty arms would feel so heavy... i mean, how am i supposed to just move on? how do i enjoy the rest of my life with such a heavy heart...

the other day i dreamt of my grandma... i miss her so much.... i mean why? why does life have to be so sad? why do things happen to people like this? what have my family and i done to deserve this?

i'm not strong and i'm tired to trying to be strong... i don't want to have to be strong anymore... i just want to be happy... i want good and happy and exciting and everything i felt when i was pregnant with the twins...

today is a sad day.... and i am alone.... i would give anything to 'trade my soul for a wish...'

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown

sugar coating aside...

i have to say... friends, family, and work are amazing... but sometimes it seriously f*cking sucks!!






sugar coating aside...


every day, i feel like a person with masking tape over their mouth... because although everyone says "don't hold it in... express yourself, let it out, its ok to cry...." seriously? WHY? Whats the point when it doesnt f*ckin matter?

IT DOESNT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!

when i begin to talk about the babies, i KNOW it makes others uncomfortable! so what? i guess i just have to pay someone to talk to!

I HATE SUFFERING IN SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY BABIES TO BE WITH ME! it's not fair! it's not FAIR! i hate what happened! i'm so sad and it's just not fair!!!

the reality of this pain.... (seriously, if you just had a baby or are pregnant.... no offense... and maybe don't read what i'm about to say...)


but the reality of my feelings and pain... when i see someone who has a baby...

...is that i am jealous.... i am so jealous that i can hardly breathe.... listening to baby stories kill me... hearing that someone is pregnant rips me apart.... i hate having to smile and force laughter when i feel like i've just been stabbed in my heart... and although i never want to hear of someone losing their baby.... seeing the happiness between a mother and their newborn baby literally feels like my heart is bleeding....


................... i am just having a ridiculously difficult day.......................... my apologies if this annoys anyone............................ and i seriously don't care if you judge me right now................... but since i have no one to talk to.... i'm going to continue to blog my life away until i die.....................



i wish i could just lock myself from the world... i hate that i feel this way.... i'm sorry that i am saying these things... this is just the raw truth about how i feel right now at this very moment.....

the things that make me cry...

seem to be the same things that make me smile...


'Happy Due Date' to my baby girls...  i love you forever...

 Beautiful spring flowers for this special day with a touch of some gardenia

(gardenia's are from Mama Linda's garden)

You girls already have a collection of toys, colorings, and trinkets

mommy loves you girls so much... i just wish heaven wasn't so far away....

"At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colours of the sunset"

Names in the Sand by Carly Marie Dudley

moving on...

when will it happen? 

i stood in front of the urns the other day and my arms went up into a motion like craddling a baby... in my mind, i could feel the weight of the babies in my arms... i felt so sad that they weren't physically here... they should be here...

i just need to move on... i can't keep crying anymore... i can't keep feeling sorry for myself or feeling sad that the babies are not here... i've read books... gone to church, prayed... i've blogged, i've googled... stayed home, gone out... WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!?!

i wonder if my babies ever saw me... did they hear my voice when i spoke to them... did they know it was me that was touching them the night before they both went to heaven?

are they together right now? what do they look like? what color hair do they have?

my heart is so broken and i'm sad... there is such a big part of me that is just holding on... and preventing me from moving on...

it feels almost like moving on, means forgetting... means leaving everything in the past... but i'm not ready to leave it in the past... i still want my babies to be my future...





"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go"... I need more strength... ♥

Heaven's beach...

Project Heal by Carly Marie (Christian Beach)

broken hearted...

i wish i had the strength to move on... and at times, i wish i had the strength to give up...

mother's day...

these two monkies make me laugh... ((my mother's day wall of art))

and this is the only reason i keep going...

just one day in heaven...

as i walked from my car to work on thursday i looked up and just thought "thank you Jesus for this day"... it was such a beautiful day... one of those days that there is not a cloud in the sky and it almost feels like you could see right into heaven...

tears rolled down my face as i thought about heaven and my little girls... i imagined that the sky was clear that morning so that the girls could see me and that i could see them... i wished that heaven wasn't so far away and that i could just get on a plane to heaven to see my babies...

i imagined being able to see my babies in a soft white colored room with a rocking chair... with no loud sounds and no harsh words or stupid people... i imagined a peaceful moment like when a mother holds her child for the first time and their eyes meet...and there were no tears, only smiles and happy thoughts... just to have a day where i didn't have to think of anything or be frustrated because i was safe in heaven...

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

... i miss you my precious little angels... and i know that you both are resting peacefully in heaven... i would do anything for just one day with you girls and at times i want to just leave everything in this world, just to be with you... mommy loves you so very much and i hope you're taking care of each other... tomorrow is mother's day and i had imagined spending this mother's day with you two in my arms... but since you girls are in heaven and mommy is here, i thank you girls for being a part of my life...i am still a mommy of my 4 daughters... i love you so so much and think of you every day...

is it May already?

this week is when the twins would have been born.  i would have reached my 36 week point and my twins would be full term... for this very reason, i ordered a "welcome baby girl" flower basket and picked it up after work... it smells so good and is so pretty...

it's amazing how the littlest things remind us of the babies... like on friday, i just got out of the shower when i heard the sounds of a soft cry coming from the other room... so i wrapped the towel around me and walked to Jazlynn & Jayden's room where i saw Jaz crying... i asked her what happened and she looked down and said nothing... so i repeated my self and she said she was thinking of the babies... she told me that today she was looking at her phone and saw that it was 05/04 (May 4th)... so it was 3 months ago that the babies were born... jayden and i both gave her a hug and i told her it'll be ok and that it was ok to cry and miss her sisters... we talked about the babies and how they are now 3 months old in heaven...

wow, has it really been that long... has 3 months passed by already?... it's already May...

today (sunday), the kids and i were cleaning the house when i realized that we had to go and pick-up some mother's day cards... i started vaccuming when my mind started to think about just that day... mother's day... it made me think of the babies... and it also made me think of just that word... MOTHER...

what a special privilage to be a mother... such a reward... not knowing how important your role is until something happens that makes you appreciate your own mother or your own children...

i started to think about mothers who have loss children... children who have loss mothers...

i thought about my own mom... and how this year, we will celebrate mother's day for my mom but how this year will be the first mother's day with out her mom... my grandma vivian passed away in december... we were all so hurt and sad by the loss of our grandma viv... and i know it hurts my mom even more... every memory is like little moments together that we keep so close in our hearts...

i thought, if i had one wish, any wish, what would i want for mother's day... and i knew within a second that this year, i wanted to spend mother's day in heaven (and then to come back, of course)... i could see my grandma and my babies together in heaven, just for one day...  how that would be the greatest gift... to be able hold my precious babies in my arms even for just one day... for them to open their eyes and look at me, knowing that i am their mommy...

but since heaven isn't an option, i feel blessed that my little twins are in good hands... with my mom's mom... and we will celebrate the lives we know and those we've loss on mother's day...

May flowers... here's to praying for this month to bloom some new blessings into our lives...

my new normal...

i've come to the realization that my "new normal" is being someone else... i feel like my every day is spent feeling and acting like someone else... like everything is just a show when really i'm an entirely different person inside...

it consists of waking up, get myself and the kids ready, drop off the kids, go to work, work my 8 hours, then drive home and have 2 beers to ease my mind... all while trying my best not to think of anything that could possibly make me cry... this is now my new normal...

i tell everyone i'm doing good, i tell everyone i'm getting stronger every day... i smile bigger then i ever did, i laugh harder then i should, i try to think of things that people want to hear, i try to join every conversation so that i don't feel left out... just all part of my new normal...

when i feel like i'm about to crack, i shake it off... when i feel like i don't want to be somewhere, i toughen up... when i hear or see something that reminds me of my babies or my pregnancy, i think of something else... i never do the 'run to the bathroom and cry' deal because i know that it'll mean that i was unprofessional... i guess this is all part of my new normal...

in the morning when i want so bad to spend time thinking of my babies, i ignore the feeling... when i want to just cry my heart out, i just suck it in... when i feel like venting to God, to Shane, or just venting, i don't... i have to move on... this is part of my new normal...

i hate feeling uncomfortable in a situation, so i laugh it off... i don't like bringing up something i shouldn't have, so i change the subject... i don't want to make people feel weird, so i try not to say anything... maybe i just think too much... but again.. my new normal...

when i see people i haven't seen for a while, i hear "congratulations" or "how's the baby"... i smile and say fine... i try to avoid uncomfortable conversations and don't want to make others feel bad, when i have to admit, it breaks me inside... adjusting to these are part of my new normal...

seeing pregnant women, little babies, twins... thinking about it, talking about it... going on like i'm ok... trying to hold everything in because i have to just move on... my new normal...

trying to ignore my eyes when they fill with tears, taking a deep breath when i know they didn't mean what they said, sticking it out when i really want to leave the conversation... all part of my new normal....

.........................................................................................................................................
remembering the excitement of being pregnant with the twins...

wanting so bad to be giving birth in a couple of weeks....

wishing this was my turn to be announcing my girls birth day...

wanting to have the nursery all set-up and ready to go...

wishing my babies were still alive...

wanting a happy life without tears and difficult days...

hating this feeling that rips me to the core...

not wanting to be the person to avoid...

still wishing that this was all a bad dream...

remembering the day i gave birth and the day the girls passed...

.........................................................................................................................................
all part of my new normal...


and honestly... i hate my new normal...