6 months ago...

Six months ago yesterday, I gave birth to two amazing little girls that I had felt move and grow in my tummy...

Six months ago yesterday, I made the decision to try to save my babies lives because I knew they would make it...

Six months ago today, my babies were alive... I had the greatest hopes for their lives and never thought they would not make it... I remember seeing Shane arrive to the room at around 6 in the morning and going straight to the NICU to see the girls.  I was still in a wheel chair...

Six months ago today, the girls were doing good... The doctors and nurses did say that they were the smallest ones in there and that it would be a tough fight... But I never thought the fight would end so soon.

Six months ago tomorrow, the girls left us to go to heaven...

Six months ago tomorrow.... My heart broke when I loss both my girls on the same day... I still can't believe that this is my life... I have never felt such pain and yearning for someone(s) that I can't be with.

Six months ago... I loss my little girls... And with them, I felt my dreams and ambition drift away...

I miss my babies so much...

empty arms...

who knew empty arms would feel so heavy... i mean, how am i supposed to just move on? how do i enjoy the rest of my life with such a heavy heart...

the other day i dreamt of my grandma... i miss her so much.... i mean why? why does life have to be so sad? why do things happen to people like this? what have my family and i done to deserve this?

i'm not strong and i'm tired to trying to be strong... i don't want to have to be strong anymore... i just want to be happy... i want good and happy and exciting and everything i felt when i was pregnant with the twins...

today is a sad day.... and i am alone.... i would give anything to 'trade my soul for a wish...'

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown

sugar coating aside...

i have to say... friends, family, and work are amazing... but sometimes it seriously f*cking sucks!!






sugar coating aside...


every day, i feel like a person with masking tape over their mouth... because although everyone says "don't hold it in... express yourself, let it out, its ok to cry...." seriously? WHY? Whats the point when it doesnt f*ckin matter?

IT DOESNT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!

when i begin to talk about the babies, i KNOW it makes others uncomfortable! so what? i guess i just have to pay someone to talk to!

I HATE SUFFERING IN SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY BABIES TO BE WITH ME! it's not fair! it's not FAIR! i hate what happened! i'm so sad and it's just not fair!!!

the reality of this pain.... (seriously, if you just had a baby or are pregnant.... no offense... and maybe don't read what i'm about to say...)


but the reality of my feelings and pain... when i see someone who has a baby...

...is that i am jealous.... i am so jealous that i can hardly breathe.... listening to baby stories kill me... hearing that someone is pregnant rips me apart.... i hate having to smile and force laughter when i feel like i've just been stabbed in my heart... and although i never want to hear of someone losing their baby.... seeing the happiness between a mother and their newborn baby literally feels like my heart is bleeding....


................... i am just having a ridiculously difficult day.......................... my apologies if this annoys anyone............................ and i seriously don't care if you judge me right now................... but since i have no one to talk to.... i'm going to continue to blog my life away until i die.....................



i wish i could just lock myself from the world... i hate that i feel this way.... i'm sorry that i am saying these things... this is just the raw truth about how i feel right now at this very moment.....

the things that make me cry...

seem to be the same things that make me smile...


'Happy Due Date' to my baby girls...  i love you forever...

 Beautiful spring flowers for this special day with a touch of some gardenia

(gardenia's are from Mama Linda's garden)

You girls already have a collection of toys, colorings, and trinkets

mommy loves you girls so much... i just wish heaven wasn't so far away....

"At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colours of the sunset"

Names in the Sand by Carly Marie Dudley

moving on...

when will it happen? 

i stood in front of the urns the other day and my arms went up into a motion like craddling a baby... in my mind, i could feel the weight of the babies in my arms... i felt so sad that they weren't physically here... they should be here...

i just need to move on... i can't keep crying anymore... i can't keep feeling sorry for myself or feeling sad that the babies are not here... i've read books... gone to church, prayed... i've blogged, i've googled... stayed home, gone out... WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!?!

i wonder if my babies ever saw me... did they hear my voice when i spoke to them... did they know it was me that was touching them the night before they both went to heaven?

are they together right now? what do they look like? what color hair do they have?

my heart is so broken and i'm sad... there is such a big part of me that is just holding on... and preventing me from moving on...

it feels almost like moving on, means forgetting... means leaving everything in the past... but i'm not ready to leave it in the past... i still want my babies to be my future...





"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go"... I need more strength... ♥

Heaven's beach...

Project Heal by Carly Marie (Christian Beach)

broken hearted...

i wish i had the strength to move on... and at times, i wish i had the strength to give up...