Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
...the many "firsts" without you...
just as i began to find my self being stronger and a new energy for life building back in my heart... i find myself begin swallowed up by these moments of 'predictable heartbreak and sadness'.... predictable because i somewhat prepared myself for certain moments of sadness... but when it actually happens... it's difficult, but i know it's part of the process....
just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...
over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..." it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....
then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....
so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....
just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...
over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..." it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....
then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....
so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....
Saturday, November 3, 2012
... taking down the crib...
i knew taking down the crib would be difficult... knowing that the crib was put together just 3 weeks before i gave birth but not knowing that i would never bring home the 2 little precious babies that would sleep there...
for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....
in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....
then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....
but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone...
Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find... tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3
for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....
in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....
then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....
but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone...
Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find... tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3
Sunday, August 5, 2012
6 months ago...
Six months ago yesterday, I gave birth to two amazing little girls that I had felt move and grow in my tummy...
Six months ago yesterday, I made the decision to try to save my babies lives because I knew they would make it...
Six months ago today, my babies were alive... I had the greatest hopes for their lives and never thought they would not make it... I remember seeing Shane arrive to the room at around 6 in the morning and going straight to the NICU to see the girls. I was still in a wheel chair...
Six months ago today, the girls were doing good... The doctors and nurses did say that they were the smallest ones in there and that it would be a tough fight... But I never thought the fight would end so soon.
Six months ago tomorrow, the girls left us to go to heaven...
Six months ago tomorrow.... My heart broke when I loss both my girls on the same day... I still can't believe that this is my life... I have never felt such pain and yearning for someone(s) that I can't be with.
Six months ago... I loss my little girls... And with them, I felt my dreams and ambition drift away...
I miss my babies so much...
Six months ago yesterday, I made the decision to try to save my babies lives because I knew they would make it...
Six months ago today, my babies were alive... I had the greatest hopes for their lives and never thought they would not make it... I remember seeing Shane arrive to the room at around 6 in the morning and going straight to the NICU to see the girls. I was still in a wheel chair...
Six months ago today, the girls were doing good... The doctors and nurses did say that they were the smallest ones in there and that it would be a tough fight... But I never thought the fight would end so soon.
Six months ago tomorrow, the girls left us to go to heaven...
Six months ago tomorrow.... My heart broke when I loss both my girls on the same day... I still can't believe that this is my life... I have never felt such pain and yearning for someone(s) that I can't be with.
Six months ago... I loss my little girls... And with them, I felt my dreams and ambition drift away...
I miss my babies so much...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
empty arms...
who knew empty arms would feel so heavy... i mean, how am i supposed to just move on? how do i enjoy the rest of my life with such a heavy heart...
the other day i dreamt of my grandma... i miss her so much.... i mean why? why does life have to be so sad? why do things happen to people like this? what have my family and i done to deserve this?
i'm not strong and i'm tired to trying to be strong... i don't want to have to be strong anymore... i just want to be happy... i want good and happy and exciting and everything i felt when i was pregnant with the twins...
today is a sad day.... and i am alone.... i would give anything to 'trade my soul for a wish...'
the other day i dreamt of my grandma... i miss her so much.... i mean why? why does life have to be so sad? why do things happen to people like this? what have my family and i done to deserve this?
i'm not strong and i'm tired to trying to be strong... i don't want to have to be strong anymore... i just want to be happy... i want good and happy and exciting and everything i felt when i was pregnant with the twins...
today is a sad day.... and i am alone.... i would give anything to 'trade my soul for a wish...'
You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown
Monday, July 16, 2012
sugar coating aside...
i have to say... friends, family, and work are amazing... but sometimes it seriously f*cking sucks!!
sugar coating aside...
every day, i feel like a person with masking tape over their mouth... because although everyone says "don't hold it in... express yourself, let it out, its ok to cry...." seriously? WHY? Whats the point when it doesnt f*ckin matter?
IT DOESNT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!
when i begin to talk about the babies, i KNOW it makes others uncomfortable! so what? i guess i just have to pay someone to talk to!
I HATE SUFFERING IN SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY BABIES TO BE WITH ME! it's not fair! it's not FAIR! i hate what happened! i'm so sad and it's just not fair!!!
the reality of this pain.... (seriously, if you just had a baby or are pregnant.... no offense... and maybe don't read what i'm about to say...)
but the reality of my feelings and pain... when i see someone who has a baby...
...is that i am jealous.... i am so jealous that i can hardly breathe.... listening to baby stories kill me... hearing that someone is pregnant rips me apart.... i hate having to smile and force laughter when i feel like i've just been stabbed in my heart... and although i never want to hear of someone losing their baby.... seeing the happiness between a mother and their newborn baby literally feels like my heart is bleeding....
................... i am just having a ridiculously difficult day.......................... my apologies if this annoys anyone............................ and i seriously don't care if you judge me right now................... but since i have no one to talk to.... i'm going to continue to blog my life away until i die.....................
i wish i could just lock myself from the world... i hate that i feel this way.... i'm sorry that i am saying these things... this is just the raw truth about how i feel right now at this very moment.....
sugar coating aside...
every day, i feel like a person with masking tape over their mouth... because although everyone says "don't hold it in... express yourself, let it out, its ok to cry...." seriously? WHY? Whats the point when it doesnt f*ckin matter?
IT DOESNT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!
when i begin to talk about the babies, i KNOW it makes others uncomfortable! so what? i guess i just have to pay someone to talk to!
I HATE SUFFERING IN SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY BABIES TO BE WITH ME! it's not fair! it's not FAIR! i hate what happened! i'm so sad and it's just not fair!!!
the reality of this pain.... (seriously, if you just had a baby or are pregnant.... no offense... and maybe don't read what i'm about to say...)
but the reality of my feelings and pain... when i see someone who has a baby...
...is that i am jealous.... i am so jealous that i can hardly breathe.... listening to baby stories kill me... hearing that someone is pregnant rips me apart.... i hate having to smile and force laughter when i feel like i've just been stabbed in my heart... and although i never want to hear of someone losing their baby.... seeing the happiness between a mother and their newborn baby literally feels like my heart is bleeding....
................... i am just having a ridiculously difficult day.......................... my apologies if this annoys anyone............................ and i seriously don't care if you judge me right now................... but since i have no one to talk to.... i'm going to continue to blog my life away until i die.....................
i wish i could just lock myself from the world... i hate that i feel this way.... i'm sorry that i am saying these things... this is just the raw truth about how i feel right now at this very moment.....
Sunday, June 3, 2012
the things that make me cry...
seem to be the same things that make me smile...
'Happy Due Date' to my baby girls... i love you forever...
'Happy Due Date' to my baby girls... i love you forever...
Beautiful spring flowers for this special day with a touch of some gardenia
(gardenia's are from Mama Linda's garden)
You girls already have a collection of toys, colorings, and trinkets
mommy loves you girls so much... i just wish heaven wasn't so far away....
"At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colours of the sunset"
Names in the Sand by Carly Marie Dudley
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)