i have to say... friends, family, and work are amazing... but sometimes it seriously f*cking sucks!!
sugar coating aside...
every day, i feel like a person with masking tape over their mouth... because although everyone says "don't hold it in... express yourself, let it out, its ok to cry...." seriously? WHY? Whats the point when it doesnt f*ckin matter?
IT DOESNT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!
when i begin to talk about the babies, i KNOW it makes others uncomfortable! so what? i guess i just have to pay someone to talk to!
I HATE SUFFERING IN SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY BABIES TO BE WITH ME! it's not fair! it's not FAIR! i hate what happened! i'm so sad and it's just not fair!!!
the reality of this pain.... (seriously, if you just had a baby or are pregnant.... no offense... and maybe don't read what i'm about to say...)
but the reality of my feelings and pain... when i see someone who has a baby...
...is that i am jealous.... i am so jealous that i can hardly breathe.... listening to baby stories kill me... hearing that someone is pregnant rips me apart.... i hate having to smile and force laughter when i feel like i've just been stabbed in my heart... and although i never want to hear of someone losing their baby.... seeing the happiness between a mother and their newborn baby literally feels like my heart is bleeding....
................... i am just having a ridiculously difficult day.......................... my apologies if this annoys anyone............................ and i seriously don't care if you judge me right now................... but since i have no one to talk to.... i'm going to continue to blog my life away until i die.....................
i wish i could just lock myself from the world... i hate that i feel this way.... i'm sorry that i am saying these things... this is just the raw truth about how i feel right now at this very moment.....
