March for Babies: Team Arianna & Brianna

Aloha Friends & Family,

We're excited to be a part of March for Babies this year.

This is our very first year participating with the March of Dimes, March for Babies event as we walk in honor our twin babies, Arianna & Brianna Tam. Our twin girls that were born on February 4, 2012, at only 23 weeks gestation, due to pre-term labor. Our little girls gently grew their angel wings on February 6, 2012 due to various complications associated with being born premature.

Sadly, every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick. So we're walking because we want to do something about this. The money we raise will support March of Dimes research and programs that help moms have full-term pregnancies and babies begin healthy lives. And it will be used to bring comfort and information to families with a baby in newborn intensive care.

This first-hand experience has not only opened our eyes to this world, but has given us a greater appreciation for life and the importance of supporting organizations like the March of Dimes.

Please help our team reach our goal by joining / making a donation as well as spreading the word.... We hope to give ALL babies a healthy start!

Visit our team Web page at: http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1844411

Would you like to see what March for Babies is and why I'm walking? Click the link to see the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ1CsZbjY0g

If you would like to learn more about March for Babies, visit the Web site at www.marchforbabies.org.

Take care and Mahalo,

Nicole & Shane Tam

(In loving memory of our Angels - Arianna & Brianna Tam)

Arianna & Brianna Tam

February 4-6, 2012

The March of Dimes mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

Honolulu, Hawaii's March for Babies Information:

Kapiolani Park 

(Team Arianna & Brianna will have our own tent/banner for our walkers)

Sunday, April 22, 2012

6:30-7:00am Registration

7:30am Start Time

5 Miles Distance

just one of those days...

don't you just hate it when you can't stop crying... when everything you think about reminds you about how sad you are... when it seems like every song, every word, everything, is just so sad... when it starts to physically hurt to be sad... to cry... you can't breathe... you can't think... you can't even get up... you wish that this was all a very bad dream and want it to just go away...

i thought to myself - what was i doing to trigger the crying this time... so that i don't ever do it again... then i realize that i wasn't doing anything different... i was checking my damn email and my mind just went off on it's own... and now here i am... crying my heart out like someone has died... wait... yes... 2 of my daughters have died... they are both gone!... and i can't fix it... and i can't bring them back... i can't do anything but just cry... and i can't stop...

please... someone bring back my babies and make this pain go away... please...... i'll do anything..........

today.... today is just one of those days......

Today was supposed to be our baby shower...

The theme was Noah's ark... because the animals came 2 by 2... i remember being so excited when i finally decided on a theme.... the baby registry was all set-up... the nursery had been painted... the crib was assembled... so we just were waiting on the baby shower...

i remember thinking that i would be huge by this day and that it would probably be a long day for me since i figured being around 30 weeks pregnant with the twins would be really uncomfortable... i told my friends to save the date... shane's sister had already printed the invitations... it was so cute...

but they were never sent...

i'm so sad... i was so looking forward to this day... to the shower... getting all the girls things ready for their big day... i remember spending hours reading about "raising twins"... everything they would need... double the struggles, double the stress, double the everything... including double the love and double the joy...

i wish so bad that this feeling that i'm feeling right now would just go away... i feel lost... and so sad...

why did this have to happen?...  why did my 2 little babies get taken away so soon?...

have you ever had a dream just shatter right in the palm of your hands?... i feel like my dream did... and it's in a million pieces of beautiful shiny glass... on the ground... and there's nothing i can do to fix it...

today was supposed to be our baby shower...

but it's not... today is just sunday... any other sunday... and we have nothing to celebrate...

God gave me you....

A few days ago, I was working out and I heard a song that stopped me in my tracks and made me cry... it was a song that played on the "top 40" radio station that I was listening to while on the elliptical... I listened to the entire song then realized where I was... so I played it off like I was sweating and wiped my tears with my towel...

This song made me think... really think about life and everything that has happened in the last month... it made me think of everyone in my life that I have and how every person cares... even when there are no words to say, even when it's uncomfortable, even when I never asked for anything... they still care...

I realized that as difficult as the past month has been for my family, and especially me, that God would not have let us suffer in this alone... that he honestly would never give us anything we could not handle... and I see that God has given our family an amazing blessing...

I remember in the first couple weeks at home, I felt very angry with everything... with the entire situation, with my body, and with God... I could not see the blessing or find things to be thankful for...

But now, I realize that I was just so angry and sad, that I simply did not want to see the blessings... I did not want to see anything positive out of my babies passing, because how could I, when I didn't even want to look forward to the next day...or the next anything... I was stuck and grieving...

Now that it's been a few weeks and I notice that I have more good days than bad, I am able to look at life with a new set of eyes... (I mean, yes, it's not always easy, and yes, I still have moments... but I'm getting there...) but with these new set of eyes, comes a new perspective of my babies passing... I have longer moments where I am so thankful and so blessed for my family and friends... for the unconditional love and support that we have received and continue to receive...

The song was called God Gave Me You... by Dave Barnes

When I heard that song, my first thought was about the twins... I thought about how God gave me these precious babies to change my life, to make me think of things in a new light...

Then, I though of Shane... I thought about how Shane has truly been the greatest blessing in my life... We are by FAR, not a perfect couple, we still fight and complain about each other, we tease and irritate each other for fun, which ends up being annoying... but behind all of that, behind the grammar correcting, fart excusing, lazy frustration... he has become my life, my rock, and my best friend...  Shane is definitely someone who is there for me during my ups and downs, for the days of doubt...

When we came home from the hospital right after the twins had passed away, I remember crying so hard and for so long that there were just no words... nothing to say to each other... but Shane was there... holding me, comforting me, and just giving all of his love to me... Every time I would cry or whenever I needed to talk about Arianna & Brianna or about giving birth or about anything, there he was...

I believe, in all my heart, that God gave me Shane because he knew this would happen... and that Shane would be there to help me get thru this... I feel that God put Shane in my life early so that we could be blessed with Jazlynn... even at the ages of 19/21, we were so young... but God blessed us with this beautiful little girl that has turned our lives around and was the glue that kept us together for so many years... and now, 10 years later, she continues to bless our lives with her compassionate heart and incredible talents... Then God answered our prayers 5 years later and gave us Jayden... our beautiful blond baby girl that although drives us crazy and is such a diva, brings such laughter and fun in our lives...  and then, with the grace of God, 5 years later, we were blessed with the miracle of being pregnant with the twins... and as the road continues to be difficult, I am so very thankful for being able to be on this journey with Shane... he is the love of my life and thru him, my life has been enriched...


This song also reminded me about how thankful I am for my family... especially for my sister, Ashley... She was the one who brought me to the hospital on the day I went into labor and delivered the twins... she takes care of and has unconditional love for my family and for me... I remember growing up, my sister used to be so mean and would beat up my brother and me! but after all of this, I realize that in times of need... my sister will always be someone that I can count on...  Same with my mom, dad, and brother... we may act like a weird family, not affectionate, never say "I love you" to each other, never hug or kiss each other... but really, we are a close family and still make each other laugh thru difficult times...


I am also blessed with wonderful in laws, best friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even "friends-of-friends"... We have received dozens of beautiful cards, letters, prayers, emails, flowers, messages, phone calls, and texts.

I believe that our lives are so blessed... and Arianna and Brianna are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends that care about them...




God Gave Me You
I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

a special place for the girls...

For me, there's not a day that goes by that I do not think about the girls... about how they felt in my stomach, they way they looked when they were born, the struggle they went thru during their days in the NICU, and the day we spent holding them after they had passed... these memories live on in my heart and reply in my mind over and over... I love my memories... they allow me to go back and re-live those moments... and although the future has changed... these memories will remain the same...

Other than our memories, we created a special place for the girls where Shane, Jazlynn, Jayden, and I can go to when we want to see Arianna & Brianna... After the twins services, on Monday, February 27, we brought home the urns and set up this special area... actually, Shane set everything up while I was up in my room looking at pictures... he spent maybe an hour on it, putting in the glass shelves, wiping everything down, then gently placing each item in the perfect place... when he called me down stairs to take a look, I was speechless... of course, I had to rearrange a few things to make it look "better" (because wives just do that)... it was beautiful...

We put all of Arianna & Brianna's keepsake items that the hospital gave us, including their blankets, hand and foot prints, some of the clothing items that they wore in the hospital, some hospital items that were used on the girls like their eye covers, tape, etc. and large butterfly pillows that were hung on their cribs after they had passed (there was even one on my hospital room door that acknowledges that there has been a passing - but I didn't take that one home)...  my brother and his girlfriend Tashia also gave the girls heart-shaped necklaces with little pink crystals in the center that are to represent their memories are always in their hearts... Shane's sister made Arianna & Brianna their own burp cloths with their names and little angles embroidered on them...

Arianna & Brianna also have their own Minnie Mouse ears with their names embroidered on the back... a gift from their older sisters from Disneyland...

Every week or so, we place a new fresh flower arrangement on a little table that sits next to them... Shane said we're going to get a second table and so that we can always have 2 sets of flowers... one for each of our precious angels...

Everything together is wonderful... it's a beautiful place that we can honor our girls... it's where we often pray as a family... it's where Jazlynn and Jayden come down to talk to their sisters and tell them good morning or good night... it's where I stand, for what seems like hours, and wish I were holding them in my arms or listening to them cry... it truly is a special place for the girls...

born alive and lived for 2 days...

There's nothing like receiving hospital bills to remind us of the the birth of our babies, the hospital stay, the NICU, and the passing of our babies... the babies that never made it home with us but yet, still get billed for... billed for an experience that we will never forget and sometimes struggle with the memories of the hospital....

Today we received our first bill and medical insurance statement for "BG1 NTAM" (baby girl 1)... it blew my mind how much it cost to be in the hospital and to have the girls be in the NICU for only 2 days... I had to call the insurance company to resubmit my claim under me instead of creating a dependent since in medical insurance terms, a dependent is someone who lives beyond 4 days.... and since the girls only lived for 2 days, they are to be billed under maternity since the babies had "expired" before reaching dependent status... a maternity bill that came out to $14,400...

It was a difficult discussion to have... it felt like we were talking about merchandise or objects instead of my children...

We have also received the girls birth certificates and social security cards in the mail in the last week... only reminders that a death certificate will soon follow...  So much paper work... so many painful reminders of our stay in the hospital... and the loss of our baby girls...

Sitting here with a desk full of bills and paper work that I'm trying to organize for the girls... I'm reminded that although we loss our girls after 2 days, they were born alive and lived for 2 days... 2 days that were filled with such hope and confidence...

I miss my twin angels so much...  and in their honor, we proudly announced their birth in an announcement that was mailed out to close friends and family... an announcement that while pregnant, I was so looking forward to sending once the girls were born... 

Vacation time isn't the same...

I'm supposed to be on vacation... Well sort of... Shane and the girls were originally supposed to be travelling to California for their Cheerleading competition while I was supposed to still be pregnant and on bedrest with the twins... But since things are different now, I'm here... with Shane and the girls in California...

The cheer competition went well and I am so extremely proud of Jazlynn an Jayden for doing such a great job... Jayden's team (Tiny Level 1) took 1st place and Jazlynn's teams took 4th place (Junior Level 2) and 2nd place (Senior Level 3)... I am so proud...

And on the other hand, I am having such a difficult time being here... I feel like I'm forcing smiles and laughter because that's just what I have to do for my girls...

But today I couldn't hold it in and I had a breakdown in the middle of the day at the theme park we were at... I was so embarrased... I couldn't stop crying... I wanted to run away... I didn't know what I was doing and I was upsetting Shane because of the way I was acting... But I honestly couldn't hold it in...

And now, here I am... It's just pass midnight in California and I can't sleep, my eyes are all puffy and tears are streaming down my face while Shane and the kids sleep... Today marks 1 month since the passing of the twins... One month and I still cry like a baby... How do I keep going when almost every bit of my body just wants to stop?... I am having such a hard time here on this trip where I can't hide in the comfort of my own house and cry when I have these moments... I have to be polite and courteous when all I really want to do is go home and just cry my heart out... How am I suppose to be a good mom to Jazlynn and Jayden when it hurts me so much that Arianna and Brianna are not here on this family vacation.

My eyes hurt... My heart is broken... And I'm awake and missing my babies... all while I'm supposed to be having a great time on this trip...

To Celebrate the Lives of our angels...

We honored the girls in a small and intimate "Celebration of Life" services at our home church, Hope Chapel West Oahu.

I can't express how thankful we are to have our church in our lives... especially Pastor Mike Kai, Pastor Lisa Kai, Pastor Brian Aki, Pastor Frank de Gracia... they have all been wonderful in helping us with the loss of our babies and the gain of our angels...


Opening Prayer and message of hope was given by Pastor Frank... it was beautiful and brought me to tears...

Here are the words from Shane, Jazlynn, and me as we honored our girls...

Shane :

I would like to thank everyone for coming out today to support my family.

Through this difficult situation, I’ve learned that sometimes in life, we wanna question GOD and we want to find the reason behind his doings because maybe we don’t understand why things happen.  We try to make sense of things but we really can’t figure it out.

SCRIPTURE - Proverbs 3:4-6

That’s why I know that everything happens for a reason.  He knows the past, present, and future. As a family, we know that Arianna and Brianna are always with us. We tell Jaz and Jayden that they have angel sisters watching over them.

For me, I don’t question the LORD because I have my full faith and love in him. So I know that our angels are now safe in heaven with our heavenly Father.

Jazlynn:

Arianna, I miss you so much.

Brianna, I miss you so much too.

I hope the both of you don’t fight because Brianna, you were punching your sister when you were in mommy’s stomach.

After you passed away, one of the nurses called and said that she misses you girls because you were the smallest babies in the room.

You girls were 23 weeks old when you were born and you survived for 2 days.

And I know that we only met for 1 day, but we will always be together. Forever

I just want to let you know that mommy, daddy, Jayden, and I love you girls so much.

Nikki:

The love and support that we have received is amazing… from cards and flowers, emails and texts, to simple smiles and hugs… we find peace and comfort in knowing that there are friends and family that care so much… and we are so grateful for the outpouring of support… it means so much to know that people do care.

It’s been exactly 3 weeks since the passing of our little twin girls and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them.  I sit and wonder what I would be doing if they were still in my tummy.  How strong their kicks would be by now, if we would have the nursery almost done.  But these are all just thoughts and painful visions of a shattered dream.

I never thought I would have to speak at my child or children’s funeral or “Celebration of Life” services…  Situations like this are not what a mother thinks of when she finds out she’s pregnant or even after their child is born.  I did, however, think about my children speaking at my own… all the crazy things they would say… but I would hope they would know that their mom loved them without having to ask or be told… because I do love each of my children so much, no matter if they are big or small, blonde or brunette, sassy or sweet, born on time or born too soon, on earth or in heaven… I love all of my children so much that I would give my own life to save the life of my dying child if I could…

I think in this time of grief and despair, I find it difficult to have understanding and to see the blessings… I often pray for things that I want to happen or more like wish would happen… I pray for things to go back to the way it was, I pray for my babies back, I pray that this is all a bad dream… but I have to believe, I have to have the strong faith like Shane, and need to trust in the Lord and not my own understanding… I am growing stronger every day because I have to for my husband and children. I wrote a prayer the day after I came home from the hospital that I would like to share…  

 

 

Heavenly Father... Please stop my tears... I need you now more than ever, please let me know that you are near...

There are no baby cries to be heard, no little lullabies share... Since my precious little babies are no longer here...

I feel like I can't breathe, I sometimes feel lost and so mad, can you hear me when I cry out, Lord, why did you need them in heaven so bad...

I know they're our 2 little angels now and hope they're having fun, but I can't help but wish they were here... Our lives together had only just begun...

Both my babies were perfect, each with 10 little fingers and 10 little toes... And big beautiful blue-gray eyes and each with a cute little button nose...

Lord, you know I had these big dreams and visions of our future... I break down and wish it were still here and not close to being over...

To my sweet Arianna and Brianna, you are so loved and missed every second of the day, mommy feels an empty place in my life where my babies are supposed to play...

Arianna, I remember thinking, you would be our sweet calm baby... Full of beauty and peace, our precious little lady...

Brianna, I remember laughing because you moved so much, I imagined you would be our little trouble-maker, but now just long for your touch…

I sit in the quiet, where I wish I could to hear one of you cry, I never ever imagined holding you both for the first time, and having to say good-bye...

Please remember your big sisters, Jazlynn and Jayden... They were so excited to get to play with you and to decide who was going to be their favorite...

Jaz would have held you, fed you, and protected you to no end... Jayden would have loved to be your 2nd mommy and play dress-up, make-up, and all kinds of pretend...

They are so proud to say they have 2 angel sisters, please watch and protect them every day and remind them that you're both still with us...

And most of all, please remember your daddy... If he could move heaven and earth, he would, just to protect his family...

Daddy reminds us of how blessed we are to have each other... And he loves all of his girls so much and has been the rock and strength that keeps things together.

Ari and Bri please know how much I love you girls... mommy misses you both every day but know you will always be part of my world...

I know I'll hold you again, in heaven, that's the plan... I'll think of you both every day and try to go on with life the best that I can...

My precious little angels... I so want to be with you... and Lord help me to get thru this heartache, please guide my way thru...

I know that things will get easier and my peace will find its way, just like how I know I will always love and miss my little angels...

In Jesus name, I pray... Amen

Closing prayer was given by Pastor Brian... the strengh we needed to move forward...