(this video is on youtube.com and was made by my sister Ashley...)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
the many stages of grief... moments of anger & frustration...
I wrote this blog on Thursday but didn't post it because I thought, omg, I'm so crazy!... I was very angry and upset... I cried and threw myself a big ol' pity-party... I didn't want anyone to know that I was so angry... but now, 2 days later... I realize that it's ok... that these days will happen... and it'll be ok...
It's amazing how most times, we can go about our lives, our every day, without one single thought about how precious life is... we think about ourselves, about our job, our cars, about how much money we have or want...We strive for big homes, shiny diamonds, and expensive brand name clothes... we want to look good all the time, try to pretend that our lives are better than others, only post the best photos online that hide the real person you are so that others would post comments that boost your self confidence... but maybe, it's not "we"... maybe that was just me... the me that went thru life and wanted everything to be perfect... or at least seem that way...
How selfish of me... how incredibly shallow, self-centered, and selfish of me... and now... I feel like everything is different... everything has changed...
I feel so incredibly frustrated and heart broken... All I can think about is how selfish I was... and how precious life is now... I feel like I now just live in a world of wishes and hopes that somehow I still want to go back and change things... I get frustrated because I can't... I get frustrated for no reason... I start to yell at Shane or the kids because, well, honestly, I have no idea... I can't find that balance...
I feel like my world has stopped... but it is hard for me that to realize that everyone else's life still goes on... how stupid of me... I think, how can everything go on like nothing has happened... my 2 babies are gone... doesn't that change the world?... NOPE... just my world... and this frustrates me...
Thursday, Shane & I were driving to Costco... we were maybe 2-3 minutes away and I just started to feel this knot in my stomach... then all my muscles got tense... I felt a tingle in my face and my eyes filled with tears under my sunglasses... I started crying... I didn't know what I was crying about, but I knew I was frustrated... Shane rubbed my leg... I let out a loud "I hate this! I'm so mad and I don't know why... I hate feeling this way... I don't understand..."
We parked the car, then Shane gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loves me... I know that I love Shane and the girls and that they are still my life... I know my life will go on and I'll be ok again... but I just don't like this feeling... I wish so bad that I could change things... I don't care anymore about buying a new car or having expensive things... I don't care about trying to be perfect or impress people... I just want my babies back and I am so frustrated that I can't do anything... I feel this rage in me that just wants to come out... I seriously feel like I'm 3 years old and I want to throw myself on the grown and scream...
A song that I heard on the radio and I loved it... I thought I would be a perfect song to listen to on days like these...
Rob Thomas - Little Wonders
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
Monday, February 20, 2012
We thought we were blessed with a miracle...
I remember 4 months ago... it was the first week of October, I was still on birth control (Mirena IUD) for the last 4 years after giving birth to Jayden... and I started feeling sick, very nauseated at work... I felt tired and very very sick.... During that time, I also started bleeding very heavily. The nurse at the doctors office told me that sometimes bleeding is a side effect of the Mirena IUD... so I thought nothing much, figured the bleeding would stop soon and that this "stomach bug" would go away.
But after a week of the nausea getting worse and the bleeding getting heavier, I though "ok, something is not right..." So when I got home from work on Wednesday, October 5th, I went straight upstairs after picking up the kids from school and took down the box of some old home pregnancy tests that I had and took the test... Almost immediately, I saw the positive ++... In a panic, I opened another pregnancy test and took another one... positive again ++
(both are positive! OMG!)
I heard Shane come home so I yelled for him to come upstairs... when he reached the top step, I held both pregnancy test in front of his face and just started to tear-up... I started asking him what were we going to do... we didn't plan this, I had an IUD in, I just started a new job, we were both about to buy new cars, we were finally in a place in our lives that we were comfortable... it felt like our 'perfect' lives were shattered...
I called my OB doctor and schedule a urgent appointment for Thursday morning (the next morning) ... Dr. Chang removed the IUD and told me that I may suffer a miscarriage because of the removal of the IUD. As a way to check if the pregnancy is either progressing or I was miscarrying, we took a blood test to measure my hormone levels that day (and I would need to take another test in 2 days for comparison). We also scheduled a follow-up appointment on Monday for a D&C since we were both pretty sure I would miscarry...
That weekend was very emotional for me... I remember going in to take my blood test on Saturday morning and the lady at the lab asked me if I was pregnant... I told her "I think I am but probably not anymore"... she gave me a funny look and drew my blood... After driving away, I cried (I think my hormones were all crazy)... I continued to bleed heavily all weekend... clots were pouring out and I knew for SURE, I was miscarrying this pregnancy.... I remember calling my sister and crying because I told her "even tho I didn't want to get pregnant, I'm sad thinking that there was a life inside of me that is dying"... we went to church that Sunday and we had one of our Pastors pray over us while I cried...
So 2 days later, on Wednesday morning, there we were, back at the doctors office... I again gave a urine sample (yup, still bleeding super heavily) and I was still pregnant... Dr. Chang basically was at a loss for words... we all didn't know what was going on... we did another trans-vaginal ultrasound and I remember so clearly "Ok, yup, you're still pregnant, you see the beating heart right there?... and Oh, wait... there's another one... there are 2 heart beats"... "WHAT?!?!?!?!" I looked at Shane and we started cracking up laughing... TWINS?! So what was all of this bleeding about? Dr. Chang didn't know but he put me on bed rest just in case... I was 8 weeks pregnant... with TWINS...
(8 weeks)
Shane and I laughed at times, we fought at times, I cried a few times, and we questioned our 'perfect life'... how will having 2 more little babies be like when we never wanted anymore children?
I was put on strict bed rest until the bleeding stopped.... I couldn't work, couldn't go shopping, couldn't even clean or cook... I was just supposed to rest my pelvis and basically only move to go to the bathroom or to eat quickly... And this was my life for the next 4 weeks...
At about 12 weeks pregnant, we were sent to a have a ultrasound done... during this appointment, we got to see the twins, they were so cute... they looked like real babies now! We found out that they were 'Mono-Di' which meant they were in 1 placenta but 2 separate amniotic sacs... so they were most likely identical twins... I remember the doctor taking a long look at these really faint lines on the screen... so I asked "what are you looking at?" and he replied "I'm pretty sure that these, you see 2 these empty bubbles right here... these are 2 empty amniotic sacs connected to your twins... You were pregnant with 4!... Wow!... I haven't seen a QUADRUPLET pregnancy in person before... But it looks like you lost two early on... your other two are doing ok... but perhaps this is why you are bleeding..."
(12 weeks)
Shane and I were beyond speechless... QUADS?! How the heck did that happen? And we are still having TWINS?!... so I had been suffering from the miscarriage of 2 babies and now still pregnant with 2?... I didn't know how to feel, but I think I was still excited...
We waited until I was 16 weeks before we told others... we were cautious because of the bleeding... we knew that this pregnancy was high risk... but honestly I didn't realize what that meant and how serious "high risk" really was...
I remember for my 16 week ultrasound, we brought Jazlynn and Jayden with us to the appointment because we were pretty sure we would find out the gender that day... Shane and Jayden voted for boys but Jazlynn and I were pretty sure it would be 2 more girls... it was exciting... When the technician told us "ok...lets take a look at Baby A first... ok.... ummm..... Baby A is a GIRL..." I glanced over at Shane and the girls and they looked sad, except for Jaz.. she smiled... but little Ms. Jayden got all grouchy... Then the lady said "and Baby B... yup, it's a GIRL too"... I laughed and felt relieved... Shane looked like he was forcing a smile but I knew he was a tad disappointed... I loved it... I loved that I was about to be a mommy to 4 girls... poor poor Shane!
(17 weeks)
I went to doctors appointments almost every other week and had 8 ultrasounds... with seeing the babies that much, I felt like I knew each of them well... I could tell who was the calm baby and who moved all the time... Brianna was ALWAYS awake and active on the ultrasound, while Arianna moved much less and took a handful of Brianna's jabs and headbutts... I loved it... I loved seeing them... by 18 weeks, I started feeling them move... it was amazing... it felt more real... I would let Shane and the girls feel their kicks... I would play music and talk to the babies... I would dream of our lives together... I had fallen in love with my babies...
(21 weeks)
I set-up my baby registry, started buying diapers and some essential baby items, we cleaned out the room that would have been the nursery, painted it light pink... we even set-up the crib...
We were so excited... we thought we had some sort of miracle... the beginning of a crazy story that would have an amazing middle once they were born and would drive us crazy... but exactly 2 weeks ago... my twin miracles passed away... and the story had a different ending then what I had imagined... and now I'm here, with nothing but my pregnancy memories and empty dreams.... blogging away because it feels good to be able to get these stories and words out... but wish everyday that the story didn't have this ending... and that these miracles were still here...
What we thought was a blessing and a miracle... has turned out to be my life's biggest trial...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
1 step forward, 2 steps back...
I thought yesterday was a wonderful day... an uplifting and peaceful day... I only shed a few tears in the early morning, but remember feeling so happy for the rest of yesterday... I thought to myself, you know what, life will go on and we will honor the lives of our little angels in heaven... and although I miss the girls dearly, I think that I've found the new me... I even slept very well for the first time since the babies were born...
Then this morning, I was doing laundry... Folding clothes and making all the separate piles for Shane, Jazlynn, Jayden, and me... and I just cracked and started crying big fat tears... of all things to cry over... I was just doing laundry and I started to cry... Since when did laundry trigger depression? My mind started to think that there were supposed to be a pile for the babies... even if it was just 1 pile because the babies would have shared clothes... but I was no longer pregnant and there were no piles for the babies... just great... even laundry = heartache... I had to take a break and sit in the nursery so that I could just hold the babies (the urns) on my lap and play their music on my iphone... I felt better... a little crazy, but better...
And now... just now, I just received a pregnancy email subscription stating that I am now supposed to be entering week 25 of my pregnancy... I read just the first couple of sentences... "If born now, your baby has an 80% chance of survival..." This one email just felt like a punch to my stomach...I couldn't help but close my email, shut my eyes, and just cry out loud...
With Jazlynn at cheer practice and Shane with her... my little Jayden snuggled next to me and whispered "it's ok mom"...
My heart is so shattered... I can't help but just feel so angry... If only my body held on a little longer, my babies would still be in my tummy where they would be alive and growing... At week 25, they would have had an 80% chance of survival compared to the 8-10% chance that my little girls had being born at 23 weeks...
When they were born, I honestly felt so sure they would make it... I never thought they wouldn't make it... I thought, they would probably spend the next 5 months in the NICU then we would bring them home... That I would spend my days at the hospital, praying, and just being with the twins... now I'm so very frustrated and so mad... I wish that there was something I could do... and it just hurts that I can't do anything... Nothing will ever bring my babies back... I feel like I can't breathe...
How can things be going so good yesterday and now I feel like I could run all the way back to the hospital in hopes of doing something... I feel lost and hopeless... I want my babies back... I still should have been pregnant... I hate that this happened... and I hate that there's nothing I can do about it...
What lesson am I supposed to learn from all of this? What is God telling me to do? Why is my mind so full of this guilt and grief right now? When will my heart fill with the blessing of everything that has happened instead of sadness?
Why does this feel like as soon as I take 1 step forward, I fall 2 steps back?
Then this morning, I was doing laundry... Folding clothes and making all the separate piles for Shane, Jazlynn, Jayden, and me... and I just cracked and started crying big fat tears... of all things to cry over... I was just doing laundry and I started to cry... Since when did laundry trigger depression? My mind started to think that there were supposed to be a pile for the babies... even if it was just 1 pile because the babies would have shared clothes... but I was no longer pregnant and there were no piles for the babies... just great... even laundry = heartache... I had to take a break and sit in the nursery so that I could just hold the babies (the urns) on my lap and play their music on my iphone... I felt better... a little crazy, but better...
And now... just now, I just received a pregnancy email subscription stating that I am now supposed to be entering week 25 of my pregnancy... I read just the first couple of sentences... "If born now, your baby has an 80% chance of survival..." This one email just felt like a punch to my stomach...I couldn't help but close my email, shut my eyes, and just cry out loud...
With Jazlynn at cheer practice and Shane with her... my little Jayden snuggled next to me and whispered "it's ok mom"...
My heart is so shattered... I can't help but just feel so angry... If only my body held on a little longer, my babies would still be in my tummy where they would be alive and growing... At week 25, they would have had an 80% chance of survival compared to the 8-10% chance that my little girls had being born at 23 weeks...
When they were born, I honestly felt so sure they would make it... I never thought they wouldn't make it... I thought, they would probably spend the next 5 months in the NICU then we would bring them home... That I would spend my days at the hospital, praying, and just being with the twins... now I'm so very frustrated and so mad... I wish that there was something I could do... and it just hurts that I can't do anything... Nothing will ever bring my babies back... I feel like I can't breathe...
How can things be going so good yesterday and now I feel like I could run all the way back to the hospital in hopes of doing something... I feel lost and hopeless... I want my babies back... I still should have been pregnant... I hate that this happened... and I hate that there's nothing I can do about it...
What lesson am I supposed to learn from all of this? What is God telling me to do? Why is my mind so full of this guilt and grief right now? When will my heart fill with the blessing of everything that has happened instead of sadness?
Why does this feel like as soon as I take 1 step forward, I fall 2 steps back?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
We picked up the girls today...
It's been a peaceful day today... Shane and I got some Jamba Juice then drove to Nuuanu Mortuary to pick up the girls... we had them cremated so that we could bring their ashes home....
We have been so blessed with all the help we've been receiving in handling the girls passing... From Nuuanu Mortuary providing their services for free... to our church assisting us with a small "Celebration of Life" prayer/gathering... and our amazing neighbors... Shane remembered that one of our neighbors just so happens to make Koa Wood boxes as their business... So when Shane saw Gerry (our neighbor) the day after we got home from the hospital and asked him more about their business... Shane explained what had just happened to our family and that we were looking to purchase 2 urns to fit preemie infants... Gerry said he'll see what he has will give Shane a call...
Within an hour, Gerry called Shane over and Gerry's wife Teri, gifted our family 2 beautiful koa wood urns with a little praying angel lasered on the front...
Shane came home to tell me what they gave us, then showed us these little koa boxes... I felt so blessed and so grateful to have such love and support from a family that barley knows us... someone that we just say "hi" to in passing... but now, they have become like family to us... they have showed us such love and I am forever thankful...
We took the urns to be engraved with the girls names and included part of the scripture from James 1:17...
As we arrived to Nuuanu Mortuary with our engraved koa urns for Arianna and Brianna, I felt a rush of excitement... I don't know why... maybe because it felt like we were finally bringing the girls home to be with us...
We handed the urns to the funeral director and she took them to have their ashes placed in the urns. It took maybe 10 or 15 minutes... Once she returned with the urns, I held them in my arms... it still felt so light... I guess I was expecting some weight to be added... but either way, I held them so tightly in my arms... as we walked to the car, I looked at Shane and we smiled... it felt good to have my babies back in my arms again... Shane even let out a loud "Hi Babes!! Daddy loves you!!" To other people around, it probably looked like he was talking to my boobs... but I know that he felt just as relieved as I did... we can finally bring our babies home...
As soon as we got home, I went up stairs and placed each urn in the crib... the crib that we had already set-up just a week prior to everything happening... The girls were going to sleep in the same crib until they started rolling over (that was the plan)...
Later, we will move the urns to a place where we can still honor them... We just purchased a display cabinet where we will be placing all of the girls memory items and their urns... but for now, I just like knowing that my babies are here... at home, with their family, sleeping in their crib...
We have been so blessed with all the help we've been receiving in handling the girls passing... From Nuuanu Mortuary providing their services for free... to our church assisting us with a small "Celebration of Life" prayer/gathering... and our amazing neighbors... Shane remembered that one of our neighbors just so happens to make Koa Wood boxes as their business... So when Shane saw Gerry (our neighbor) the day after we got home from the hospital and asked him more about their business... Shane explained what had just happened to our family and that we were looking to purchase 2 urns to fit preemie infants... Gerry said he'll see what he has will give Shane a call...
Within an hour, Gerry called Shane over and Gerry's wife Teri, gifted our family 2 beautiful koa wood urns with a little praying angel lasered on the front...
Shane came home to tell me what they gave us, then showed us these little koa boxes... I felt so blessed and so grateful to have such love and support from a family that barley knows us... someone that we just say "hi" to in passing... but now, they have become like family to us... they have showed us such love and I am forever thankful...
We took the urns to be engraved with the girls names and included part of the scripture from James 1:17...
As we arrived to Nuuanu Mortuary with our engraved koa urns for Arianna and Brianna, I felt a rush of excitement... I don't know why... maybe because it felt like we were finally bringing the girls home to be with us...
We handed the urns to the funeral director and she took them to have their ashes placed in the urns. It took maybe 10 or 15 minutes... Once she returned with the urns, I held them in my arms... it still felt so light... I guess I was expecting some weight to be added... but either way, I held them so tightly in my arms... as we walked to the car, I looked at Shane and we smiled... it felt good to have my babies back in my arms again... Shane even let out a loud "Hi Babes!! Daddy loves you!!" To other people around, it probably looked like he was talking to my boobs... but I know that he felt just as relieved as I did... we can finally bring our babies home...
As soon as we got home, I went up stairs and placed each urn in the crib... the crib that we had already set-up just a week prior to everything happening... The girls were going to sleep in the same crib until they started rolling over (that was the plan)...
Later, we will move the urns to a place where we can still honor them... We just purchased a display cabinet where we will be placing all of the girls memory items and their urns... but for now, I just like knowing that my babies are here... at home, with their family, sleeping in their crib...
Arianna Kamaluonalani Eiko Tam
Brianna Kameamakamae Teiko Tam
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically...
It has been said that I should take my time to grieve... to take it day by day... when really, I feel it's more like hour by hour... Like today, being able to wake-up, get the kids ready for school, give them their Valentines gifts, feed them breakfast, and kiss them good-bye... then in a heartbeat... curl up in a ball and just cry my heart out for the next 20 minutes.... I start to think... how much longer will I feel this pain... emotionally, mentally, and physically... how much longer?
Emotionally, I feel like I'm all over the place... one moment I'm good... reading, writing, or talking... then the next moment, I feel like I just want to shut the world off, climb in my bed, and just cry for my Arianna and Brianna... Yesterday, one of the nurses from Kapiolani Hospital called as a courtesy call to check-up on me... to see if I have any questions, concerns, or discomforts (ie: fever, pain, etc)... then she innocently said "Oh, you had twins... and how are they doing?" I seriously could not speak for about 5 seconds... before calmly replying "unfortunately they didn't make it and passed on Monday"... I felt knots in my stomach and a knife in my heart... I knew at that moment, I am going to have to get used to these questions... but emotionally, I'm ready...
Mentally, I keep trying to replay everything in my mind... what exactly happened? what were the signs I should have paid more attention to? what should I have told my doctor? What will I ask my doctor when I see him on Friday? Do I have an incompetent cervix - IC- (self diagnosed from google searching and other online posts)? What am I supposed to do with my life now? How do I go from not wanting to be pregnant in the first place, to falling in love with my babies, to losing both my babies at the same time, to talking about trying for another baby? Are these feelings normal? Is it part of my grieving? I know that we would never replace Arianna and Brianna, but my body, mind, and soul wants to hold my babies... I drive myself crazy... I can't seem to think of anything else...
And these past few days, my body has been so hard on me... it's so difficult to have to go thru all the physical pain after giving birth... like the bleeding, painful cramping as my uterus returns to it's original size, and the painful breasts as my body produces milk for my babies... the babies that I did not bring home with me from the hospital... these physically painful reminders make it so hard... My body knows that it just had my babies... but my mind knows that they're not here...
I recently read a posting from another mother who has loss her child... It's called the Bereaved Parent's Wish List... It speaks of the feelings that a bereaved parent goes thru... emotionally and mentally... I have all the same thoughts and wishes... and although I did not write this... it speaks volumes about how I feel...
Bereaved Parent's Wish List...
1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you as well.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six weeks. These first weeks are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.
9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don't frustrate yourself.
10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. However a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
15. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
16. I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
Emotionally, I feel like I'm all over the place... one moment I'm good... reading, writing, or talking... then the next moment, I feel like I just want to shut the world off, climb in my bed, and just cry for my Arianna and Brianna... Yesterday, one of the nurses from Kapiolani Hospital called as a courtesy call to check-up on me... to see if I have any questions, concerns, or discomforts (ie: fever, pain, etc)... then she innocently said "Oh, you had twins... and how are they doing?" I seriously could not speak for about 5 seconds... before calmly replying "unfortunately they didn't make it and passed on Monday"... I felt knots in my stomach and a knife in my heart... I knew at that moment, I am going to have to get used to these questions... but emotionally, I'm ready...
Mentally, I keep trying to replay everything in my mind... what exactly happened? what were the signs I should have paid more attention to? what should I have told my doctor? What will I ask my doctor when I see him on Friday? Do I have an incompetent cervix - IC- (self diagnosed from google searching and other online posts)? What am I supposed to do with my life now? How do I go from not wanting to be pregnant in the first place, to falling in love with my babies, to losing both my babies at the same time, to talking about trying for another baby? Are these feelings normal? Is it part of my grieving? I know that we would never replace Arianna and Brianna, but my body, mind, and soul wants to hold my babies... I drive myself crazy... I can't seem to think of anything else...
And these past few days, my body has been so hard on me... it's so difficult to have to go thru all the physical pain after giving birth... like the bleeding, painful cramping as my uterus returns to it's original size, and the painful breasts as my body produces milk for my babies... the babies that I did not bring home with me from the hospital... these physically painful reminders make it so hard... My body knows that it just had my babies... but my mind knows that they're not here...
I recently read a posting from another mother who has loss her child... It's called the Bereaved Parent's Wish List... It speaks of the feelings that a bereaved parent goes thru... emotionally and mentally... I have all the same thoughts and wishes... and although I did not write this... it speaks volumes about how I feel...
Bereaved Parent's Wish List...
1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you as well.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six weeks. These first weeks are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.
9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don't frustrate yourself.
10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. However a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
15. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
16. I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Today is Monday... It's been 1 week...
Prior to the girls being born, after the kids went to school and Shane was at work, I would sit at the dining table and have breakfast... I would put the song "Baby Mine" by Alison Krauss on my iphone and place it in my lap for my babies to listen to... it would replay at least 4 times before I could finish eating breakfast... That was my "breakfast time" with the girls... in the quite morning... almost every day... it was peaceful and I loved it... Brianna used to kick until the song replayed again, once the music started, she wouldn't move much... as if she was listening to the words carefully... it made me laugh and I felt such joy...
But this morning, with the girls off to school and Shane just left to quickly do some errands... I'm sitting at the dining table... alone with my bowl of oatmeal and it was almost a reflex that I grabbed my iphone and was about to play my song for the babies as I did every morning until about a week ago... but this time, I had to stop and take a deep breath.... I put my hand on my shrinking tummy and just had to say a prayer to the girls... I couldn't help but just wish, wish so bad that my little babies were still in my tummy, where they would have been protected... where I was supposed to be nurturing them and taking care of them... but they're not... and I felt empty...
I played their song anyway, and placed my iphone on my lap while I finished my breakfast...
For me, I think that as their mother, my one and only job was to protect my babies... and I couldn't even do that... its a different feeling, I think, than losing a parent, grandparent, friend, or family member... to me I feel an incredible guilt, and in some moments, very angry... All of the "if only I..." or "if only I told the doctor this...." My babies counted on me and I feel like I failed at something that was no one else's fault but mine...
Every minute of last week replay in my mind... I like remembering... but it's so hard... I know that I will never be the same person again... I just feel so lost and empty... If it wasn't for Shane, Jazlynn, and Jayden... I'm not sure if I would be as "well" as I am now... where I have to force myself to get out of bed to get the girls ready for school, practice, or parties... or force myself to do the laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes because, well, that's what a mommy does... but I feel so torn... torn between the mommy and wife that I need to be, that I'm supposed to be for my 2 girls and Shane, and between the mommy that misses my 2 angels in heaven, that wants to lay in bed or in the nursery and just be in the quiet where I can think about them and try to remember how they felt in my tummy and when they were born... Its hard that I have to be strong and act like I'm ok for my family but I really feel like I'm barely hanging on...
Over the past days, I had to cancelled my online social groups that I belonged to like "June 2012 Twins & Multiples", "June 2012 Birth Club" and "Got Twins", and instead, joined new online social groups called "Miscarriage, Stillborn, & Infant Loss", "Loss Twins", & "Multiple 2nd and 3rd Trimester Loss"... It really hurts... but as much as I am suffering and grieving... I see that there are HUNDREDS of other women in these groups who have also suffered losses... some not nearly as far as mine to some who have lost their 6 month old infant, and some, who have a story that mirrors my exact story... I have never ever thought that so many women suffer the losses like mine... and now that my heart bleeds for the loss of my own, I've gained compassion for this other side of life that I never knew... a part of life that I would never wish upon anyone and if I could, would protect the rest of the world from... it's so hard and it hurts... but it has also opened my eyes to another world...
But I think, what hurts the most, is that although I only got to share 2 days on earth with my twin princesses, in my mind and in my heart, I had a lifetime planned... from the stress of these unplanned miracles, to finances struggles, and having to drive a mini-van and even tho I complained that I would be fat and probably not have time to even brush my hair, put on make-up or travel anymore... it was all set... this big big dream balloon that was supposed to be the rest of my life... a dream that was so close to being my reality... but exactly one week ago, that dream floated away with my angels... and I'm left here... not ready to let go of the ribbon that once connected me to that dream...
I'm just hoping, wishing, and praying, that I'll wake up and everything will just go back to the way it was... when I was sitting at the dining table with my breakfast, listening to the babies music and feeling them move in my tummy....it was just about a week ago today... and now everything has changed...
But this morning, with the girls off to school and Shane just left to quickly do some errands... I'm sitting at the dining table... alone with my bowl of oatmeal and it was almost a reflex that I grabbed my iphone and was about to play my song for the babies as I did every morning until about a week ago... but this time, I had to stop and take a deep breath.... I put my hand on my shrinking tummy and just had to say a prayer to the girls... I couldn't help but just wish, wish so bad that my little babies were still in my tummy, where they would have been protected... where I was supposed to be nurturing them and taking care of them... but they're not... and I felt empty...
I played their song anyway, and placed my iphone on my lap while I finished my breakfast...
For me, I think that as their mother, my one and only job was to protect my babies... and I couldn't even do that... its a different feeling, I think, than losing a parent, grandparent, friend, or family member... to me I feel an incredible guilt, and in some moments, very angry... All of the "if only I..." or "if only I told the doctor this...." My babies counted on me and I feel like I failed at something that was no one else's fault but mine...
Every minute of last week replay in my mind... I like remembering... but it's so hard... I know that I will never be the same person again... I just feel so lost and empty... If it wasn't for Shane, Jazlynn, and Jayden... I'm not sure if I would be as "well" as I am now... where I have to force myself to get out of bed to get the girls ready for school, practice, or parties... or force myself to do the laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes because, well, that's what a mommy does... but I feel so torn... torn between the mommy and wife that I need to be, that I'm supposed to be for my 2 girls and Shane, and between the mommy that misses my 2 angels in heaven, that wants to lay in bed or in the nursery and just be in the quiet where I can think about them and try to remember how they felt in my tummy and when they were born... Its hard that I have to be strong and act like I'm ok for my family but I really feel like I'm barely hanging on...
Over the past days, I had to cancelled my online social groups that I belonged to like "June 2012 Twins & Multiples", "June 2012 Birth Club" and "Got Twins", and instead, joined new online social groups called "Miscarriage, Stillborn, & Infant Loss", "Loss Twins", & "Multiple 2nd and 3rd Trimester Loss"... It really hurts... but as much as I am suffering and grieving... I see that there are HUNDREDS of other women in these groups who have also suffered losses... some not nearly as far as mine to some who have lost their 6 month old infant, and some, who have a story that mirrors my exact story... I have never ever thought that so many women suffer the losses like mine... and now that my heart bleeds for the loss of my own, I've gained compassion for this other side of life that I never knew... a part of life that I would never wish upon anyone and if I could, would protect the rest of the world from... it's so hard and it hurts... but it has also opened my eyes to another world...
But I think, what hurts the most, is that although I only got to share 2 days on earth with my twin princesses, in my mind and in my heart, I had a lifetime planned... from the stress of these unplanned miracles, to finances struggles, and having to drive a mini-van and even tho I complained that I would be fat and probably not have time to even brush my hair, put on make-up or travel anymore... it was all set... this big big dream balloon that was supposed to be the rest of my life... a dream that was so close to being my reality... but exactly one week ago, that dream floated away with my angels... and I'm left here... not ready to let go of the ribbon that once connected me to that dream...
I'm just hoping, wishing, and praying, that I'll wake up and everything will just go back to the way it was... when I was sitting at the dining table with my breakfast, listening to the babies music and feeling them move in my tummy....it was just about a week ago today... and now everything has changed...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Our final viewing...
As we drove to Nuuanu mortuary, I couldn't help but think about how much I just wished we didn't have to do this... How much I never wanted to have to feel this pain...
Today was our final viewing of the girls... It has been 5 days since they became angels... I wondered how they would look, how I would feel when I saw them, what would I want to say or even do knowing that this was the last time I would see them like this...
We arrived a little before 1:00pm and the funeral director took us into the chapel where I saw a little blue box with 2 tiny tiny little sweet angels... bundled in white linen and a soft light blue blanket... They looked so peaceful...
We each took our time... staring at them for the last time, kissed their tiny heads, and saying our good-byes... And as I took a good look at my little twin girls, I saw their features so clearly... I thought they looked like Shane and Jazlynn... with their well defined eyebrows, face shape and big feet... but they had Jayden and my nose and tiny lips...
We put little cross necklaces on both girls... beautiful necklaces with a tiny diamond in the center... a gift from Momma Terry... And placed a letter that I had written for each of them... a letter from my heart to each of my sweet babies...
Seeing them again made me feel sad, but for some reason, it also made me feel incredibly calm... I saw them sleeping... not in pain... not struggling for life... And although my heart still hurts and I my arms just want to reach out and hold them, I take comfort in knowing that they are now in heaven...
Today was our final viewing of the girls... It has been 5 days since they became angels... I wondered how they would look, how I would feel when I saw them, what would I want to say or even do knowing that this was the last time I would see them like this...
We arrived a little before 1:00pm and the funeral director took us into the chapel where I saw a little blue box with 2 tiny tiny little sweet angels... bundled in white linen and a soft light blue blanket... They looked so peaceful...
We each took our time... staring at them for the last time, kissed their tiny heads, and saying our good-byes... And as I took a good look at my little twin girls, I saw their features so clearly... I thought they looked like Shane and Jazlynn... with their well defined eyebrows, face shape and big feet... but they had Jayden and my nose and tiny lips...
We put little cross necklaces on both girls... beautiful necklaces with a tiny diamond in the center... a gift from Momma Terry... And placed a letter that I had written for each of them... a letter from my heart to each of my sweet babies...
Seeing them again made me feel sad, but for some reason, it also made me feel incredibly calm... I saw them sleeping... not in pain... not struggling for life... And although my heart still hurts and I my arms just want to reach out and hold them, I take comfort in knowing that they are now in heaven...
The story of my angels...
I'm creating this blog so that I can some how communicate with my friends and family at moments when I am able... I feel so lost and confused but need to get words out... I need to let my story be heard and I want to honor my beautiful angels... Thru time and prayer, I find little windows of light... I want to use this blog during my healing, in hopes that it helps me to find peace... to find the new me...
In blessed honor and loving memory of my twin angel babies... Arianna K.E. Tam and Brianna K.T. Tam, I would like to share story of what happend... the day(s) my life changed and my heart broke...
Here we go...
Saturday, February 4, 2012... It was our 6th wedding anniversary... Shane was in Las Vegas and I was at home with the 2 girls... just relaxing and cleaning the house here and there when I had energy... I received a beautiful bouquet of roses and lilies in the early morning ... I did 2 loads of laundry and made mac-n-cheese for lunch... Around 12:30pm, I was getting Jazlynn & Jayden ready for cheer practice when I began feeling "funny"... not in pain... but more like I had to "pee" really bad... I brushed it off and started to think "oh great! I have a bladder infection now"...
On the way to dropping of the girls, I called my cousin Val who works at the hospital... She told me to please go in and get checked... I dropped off the girls to practice, called the doctor from the car to let him know what I was feeling... he also told me to go in and get checked just in case... My sister was home so I asked her to take me to the hospital because I didn't want to go alone... We reached the hospital (30 miles away) at 2:45pm...
By this time, I decided to text Shane to let him know that we were at the hospital but I didn't want him to worry... I told him everything would be ok and it's probably just gas or a UTI or something... But of course, he worried and was so scared...
After a few minutes, the doctor came in, I gave my urine sample... as I stood up, I felt a strong pressure pain like I had to push... It lasted for a good 2 minutes and I couldn't even get on the hospital bed... after it was over, I climbed on the bed and the doctor checked me... I will never forget the look on her face when she told me that I was fully dilated with a bulging water bag... I began to cry so hard... with the very next contraction, my water broke...
Words cannot express the unbelievable pain and sadness I felt at that very moment...
My sister called Shane... We were all crying... Shane said he ran all the way to the room and packed his bags... he called his mom and asked her to find him a flight... no matter how much it costs, what time, he needed to get home to be with me...
I still remember seeing my OB doctor walk in and I just started crying... asking him what happened... what did I do?
The contractions seemed to be very far apart once my water bag broke... sometimes it felt like 5 minutes would go by between contractions... It was a very different pain... while I was having contractions, the nurse and my cousin Val kept having trouble finding the girls heartbeats... I had to turn from side to side...
My mom and Shane were calling my sister and Val the entire time... I remember hearing my sister and Val crying, telling me that Shane was crying and that he was so sorry for not being there with me... I remember wanting him to be with me... crying with me... holding me...
With each contraction, they got stronger, and the next thing I knew, Dr. Chang told me to just push when I felt the next contraction... So I did... I pushed twice before I heard "slow... slow, ok stop!" Arianna was born... it was 5:09PM... They held her for 60 seconds while she kicked and began taking her first breaths... I remember feeling relieved that she was moving and breathing... Her eyes were open too... After the 60 seconds, the handed her off to the Neonatal Resuscitate team....
My next contraction, Dr. Chang told me to push again... "slow... slow... ok stop!" Brianna was born... it was 5:14PM... They held her too for 60 seconds. Brianna had her eyes open, kicked great big kicks and took deep breaths, she even let out a little cry that I remember so clearly... it sounded like a little cat's meow... I smiled... and in my heart, I knew she was my strong girl...
The rest was a painful blur... I remember being put under general anesthesia because my placenta wasn't coming out... After waking up, I remember feeling a relief that both babies were alive, breathing, kicking, and both girls eyes were open... I felt calm... all I wanted was for Shane to be here with me... and I knew that he was on his way home and for some reason, I felt incredibly confident that my babies were ok...
My sister stayed with me all night until Shane arrived... When he walked in, I could see the hurt in his eyes... he had been crying... We immediately went to see the babies in the NICU
Sunday night/Monday morning... Shane and I had just closed our eyes for a couple of hours when the Neonatal doctor on duty knocked on our door... He turned on the light and told us that Arianna was not doing good... he told us that she may not make it till morning... We got up and rushed down to be with her in the NICU... as soon as we got there, we were told that they just stabilized her... Shane and I spent so much time with Arianna... they let us touch her and we told her to be strong and how much we loved her...
While we were there, we stopped by to visit Brianna, who was stabilized as well... We talked to her and told her to be strong like her sister... we told her how beautiful she was and that we loved her so very much...
After a few hours, we went back to our room to try to get some sleep... We woke up at 6:30am so that we could go down to see the girls... As soon as we got there, we noticed that there were at least 10 doctors and nurses around Brianna... we were so scared... we didn't know what was happening... The nurse supervisor on duty sat me down and told me that Brianna's lungs were failing and that they are trying to get oxygen into her... My body was numb... I just stared at all the doctors and nurses helping Brianna...
Before we had to leave (7:00am nurse shift change), we stopped by to visit Arianna... she was so peaceful and sleeping... she was stabilized but her blood pressure was very low... Shane and I said a prayer for both our babies then left the NICU until we were allowed to go back at 7:30am...
I remember as soon as we got back to our room, I brushed my teeth, then our hospital room phone rang... They were losing Brianna, we needed to get back there right away... Shane and I rushed down... They told us not to wash our hands, to come quickly and sit down, she wasn't going to make it much longer... The doctor placed little Brianna in my arms... She was so beautiful... I cried like a baby for the first time in a long time... she was gone... My little sweet sweet angel Brianna grew her angel wings in my arms...
We got to spend time with Brianna in a private room for families... it was so hard... I felt like a part of me had just died with Brianna... she was gone and so was I... We asked if we could take Brianna's body to be next to her sister... the nurses said we could... As soon as we brought Brianna to Arianna's side, Arianna's stats started to do better... as if she knew her sister was near...
We had love for our little Brianna... she was an angel in heaven... and we had hope for our little Arianna... that she would pull thru and make it pass this day...
But after a couple of hours... we were told in a panic that Arianna's heart was dropping, to come quick... there we were again... being rushed to sit down as they quickly placed my little sweet sweet Arianna in my arms... I held her little body as she drifted on to heaven... growing her wings as I held her and cried...
With my 2 angel babies in my arms... I felt an incredible pain that I just cannot explain... I remember having horrible thoughts about wanting to be with my babies no matter what it took... I remember wanting to scream at the top of my lungs... I remember crying so hard that I felt like a little baby... I couldn't breathe... I couldn't think... I couldn't do anything but feel guilt, grief, and a broken heart... I was numb and lost...
What is my life supposed to be like now... How am I supposed to live without my 2 precious babies... I pray to God to help me heal... to help me see the light....
My sweet sweet angels... Arianna & Brianna, February 4-6, 2012... I love them with every ounce of my being and miss them with every beat of my heart...
Angels: Arianna & Brianna
Born: February 4, 2012
My original due date: June 2, 2012
Weeks Pregnant: 23 weeks exactly
Arianna's Weight: 1lb
Arianna's Height: 10 7/8"
Brianna's Weight: 1lb 3oz
Brianna's Height: 12"
In blessed honor and loving memory of my twin angel babies... Arianna K.E. Tam and Brianna K.T. Tam, I would like to share story of what happend... the day(s) my life changed and my heart broke...
Here we go...
Saturday, February 4, 2012... It was our 6th wedding anniversary... Shane was in Las Vegas and I was at home with the 2 girls... just relaxing and cleaning the house here and there when I had energy... I received a beautiful bouquet of roses and lilies in the early morning ... I did 2 loads of laundry and made mac-n-cheese for lunch... Around 12:30pm, I was getting Jazlynn & Jayden ready for cheer practice when I began feeling "funny"... not in pain... but more like I had to "pee" really bad... I brushed it off and started to think "oh great! I have a bladder infection now"...
On the way to dropping of the girls, I called my cousin Val who works at the hospital... She told me to please go in and get checked... I dropped off the girls to practice, called the doctor from the car to let him know what I was feeling... he also told me to go in and get checked just in case... My sister was home so I asked her to take me to the hospital because I didn't want to go alone... We reached the hospital (30 miles away) at 2:45pm...
By this time, I decided to text Shane to let him know that we were at the hospital but I didn't want him to worry... I told him everything would be ok and it's probably just gas or a UTI or something... But of course, he worried and was so scared...
After a few minutes, the doctor came in, I gave my urine sample... as I stood up, I felt a strong pressure pain like I had to push... It lasted for a good 2 minutes and I couldn't even get on the hospital bed... after it was over, I climbed on the bed and the doctor checked me... I will never forget the look on her face when she told me that I was fully dilated with a bulging water bag... I began to cry so hard... with the very next contraction, my water broke...
Words cannot express the unbelievable pain and sadness I felt at that very moment...
My sister called Shane... We were all crying... Shane said he ran all the way to the room and packed his bags... he called his mom and asked her to find him a flight... no matter how much it costs, what time, he needed to get home to be with me...
I still remember seeing my OB doctor walk in and I just started crying... asking him what happened... what did I do?
The contractions seemed to be very far apart once my water bag broke... sometimes it felt like 5 minutes would go by between contractions... It was a very different pain... while I was having contractions, the nurse and my cousin Val kept having trouble finding the girls heartbeats... I had to turn from side to side...
My mom and Shane were calling my sister and Val the entire time... I remember hearing my sister and Val crying, telling me that Shane was crying and that he was so sorry for not being there with me... I remember wanting him to be with me... crying with me... holding me...
With each contraction, they got stronger, and the next thing I knew, Dr. Chang told me to just push when I felt the next contraction... So I did... I pushed twice before I heard "slow... slow, ok stop!" Arianna was born... it was 5:09PM... They held her for 60 seconds while she kicked and began taking her first breaths... I remember feeling relieved that she was moving and breathing... Her eyes were open too... After the 60 seconds, the handed her off to the Neonatal Resuscitate team....
My next contraction, Dr. Chang told me to push again... "slow... slow... ok stop!" Brianna was born... it was 5:14PM... They held her too for 60 seconds. Brianna had her eyes open, kicked great big kicks and took deep breaths, she even let out a little cry that I remember so clearly... it sounded like a little cat's meow... I smiled... and in my heart, I knew she was my strong girl...
The rest was a painful blur... I remember being put under general anesthesia because my placenta wasn't coming out... After waking up, I remember feeling a relief that both babies were alive, breathing, kicking, and both girls eyes were open... I felt calm... all I wanted was for Shane to be here with me... and I knew that he was on his way home and for some reason, I felt incredibly confident that my babies were ok...
My sister stayed with me all night until Shane arrived... When he walked in, I could see the hurt in his eyes... he had been crying... We immediately went to see the babies in the NICU
Sunday night/Monday morning... Shane and I had just closed our eyes for a couple of hours when the Neonatal doctor on duty knocked on our door... He turned on the light and told us that Arianna was not doing good... he told us that she may not make it till morning... We got up and rushed down to be with her in the NICU... as soon as we got there, we were told that they just stabilized her... Shane and I spent so much time with Arianna... they let us touch her and we told her to be strong and how much we loved her...
While we were there, we stopped by to visit Brianna, who was stabilized as well... We talked to her and told her to be strong like her sister... we told her how beautiful she was and that we loved her so very much...
After a few hours, we went back to our room to try to get some sleep... We woke up at 6:30am so that we could go down to see the girls... As soon as we got there, we noticed that there were at least 10 doctors and nurses around Brianna... we were so scared... we didn't know what was happening... The nurse supervisor on duty sat me down and told me that Brianna's lungs were failing and that they are trying to get oxygen into her... My body was numb... I just stared at all the doctors and nurses helping Brianna...
Before we had to leave (7:00am nurse shift change), we stopped by to visit Arianna... she was so peaceful and sleeping... she was stabilized but her blood pressure was very low... Shane and I said a prayer for both our babies then left the NICU until we were allowed to go back at 7:30am...
I remember as soon as we got back to our room, I brushed my teeth, then our hospital room phone rang... They were losing Brianna, we needed to get back there right away... Shane and I rushed down... They told us not to wash our hands, to come quickly and sit down, she wasn't going to make it much longer... The doctor placed little Brianna in my arms... She was so beautiful... I cried like a baby for the first time in a long time... she was gone... My little sweet sweet angel Brianna grew her angel wings in my arms...
We got to spend time with Brianna in a private room for families... it was so hard... I felt like a part of me had just died with Brianna... she was gone and so was I... We asked if we could take Brianna's body to be next to her sister... the nurses said we could... As soon as we brought Brianna to Arianna's side, Arianna's stats started to do better... as if she knew her sister was near...
We had love for our little Brianna... she was an angel in heaven... and we had hope for our little Arianna... that she would pull thru and make it pass this day...
But after a couple of hours... we were told in a panic that Arianna's heart was dropping, to come quick... there we were again... being rushed to sit down as they quickly placed my little sweet sweet Arianna in my arms... I held her little body as she drifted on to heaven... growing her wings as I held her and cried...
With my 2 angel babies in my arms... I felt an incredible pain that I just cannot explain... I remember having horrible thoughts about wanting to be with my babies no matter what it took... I remember wanting to scream at the top of my lungs... I remember crying so hard that I felt like a little baby... I couldn't breathe... I couldn't think... I couldn't do anything but feel guilt, grief, and a broken heart... I was numb and lost...
What is my life supposed to be like now... How am I supposed to live without my 2 precious babies... I pray to God to help me heal... to help me see the light....
My sweet sweet angels... Arianna & Brianna, February 4-6, 2012... I love them with every ounce of my being and miss them with every beat of my heart...
Angels: Arianna & Brianna
Born: February 4, 2012
My original due date: June 2, 2012
Weeks Pregnant: 23 weeks exactly
Arianna's Weight: 1lb
Arianna's Height: 10 7/8"
Brianna's Weight: 1lb 3oz
Brianna's Height: 12"
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