Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
...the many "firsts" without you...
just as i began to find my self being stronger and a new energy for life building back in my heart... i find myself begin swallowed up by these moments of 'predictable heartbreak and sadness'.... predictable because i somewhat prepared myself for certain moments of sadness... but when it actually happens... it's difficult, but i know it's part of the process....
just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...
over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..." it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....
then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....
so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....
just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...
over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..." it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....
then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....
so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....
Saturday, November 3, 2012
... taking down the crib...
i knew taking down the crib would be difficult... knowing that the crib was put together just 3 weeks before i gave birth but not knowing that i would never bring home the 2 little precious babies that would sleep there...
for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....
in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....
then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....
but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone...
Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find... tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3
for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....
in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....
then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....
but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone...
Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find... tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)