it's almost your birthday...

"it's almost your birthday girls... time has gone by so quickly and i am amazed at how this year has been... i know that you are home in heaven and i pray everyday for you and to let you know how much i love you so much and miss you like crazy... i had imagined spending february 4, 2013 with daddy this year as we celebrate our 7-year anniversary with two little rascal girls and having to find babysitters while we try to sneak in a dinner, just the two of us... instead, we are so lucky to be celebrating your very first birthday on february 4, 2013... we will have some cake and celebrate your Happy Birthday...

but i can't help but cry as i think about the day you were born... mommy is still sad... mommy's heart hurts and i miss you both... so much...

i love you with every little bit of my broken heart...big big hugs and lots and lots of kisses from me to the both of you"

CarlyMarie Project Heal

countdown...

...simply put...

i'm sad that the birthday and anniversary of the death of my babies are approaching...

but what am i supposed to say already?.... that i'm still sad... that it brings back memories... that i am stronger but i still wish everyday that this never ever happened?

i'm still so incredibly sad... and i'm so tired of crying already...

Good-bye 2012...

...what a year...

i wish i could shout out that i'm so ready to get this year over and done with... this year has changed the way i look at so many things... it has changed my entire life...

but this year has also taught me so many things about life and about myself that i never knew or even thought about...

i will always remember that 2012 was the year that my beautiful twin girls were born... and the year they went to heaven...  Arianna and Brianna are always a part of our family and a part of our lives... i'm so grateful that we have friends and family who still remember and who still love our girls just as much as we do...

i will never forget how difficult this journey has been... grieving... anger... healing... and it's still not the end...

in a way, i am so ready to be over this year... to be done with any regret and sadness... and yet, i'm a little afraid to say good-bye... good-bye to a year that has carved a scar in my heart so deep that it still bleeds from time to time...

good-bye 2012... i'm ready for all the luck and love that 2013 has to bring..

all the best to everyone in the new year

12/21/12.... my 30

remember when you were in school, and you had to write those silly papers on "what you want to accomplish by the time you turn __".  well, ever since i could remember, i had always imagined that by the time i turned __ (aka 30), i would be married to a rich and handsome guy, live in a big house, drive a really nice car, have 2 children, and a great job where i could dress in office clothes and wear high heels to work... 

up until about a year ago, i was on that path to almost achieving it all... and now, the life i had expected to be living at this time in my life is almost that life that i had always dreamed it would be... with just one big thing missing... "happiness..."


as i sit here, with less than 2 hours left until my birthday (or the end of the world as some may say), i feel so sad and lost...


what is my life's purpose... why do i feel so empty and sad?  will the new year bring new love, joy, and happiness into my heart?


this past years has definitely been the most difficult year of my entire life... and i feel like i should be looking forward to something... but i don't... i just feel so sad... i miss my babies... i'm sad that it's the holidays and i don't feel like celebrating but i have to put up with it... i want to be bringing my 2 little babies to the christmas gatherings and being able to share their first christmas with them... i want to have my babies be the reason i'm done having kids by the time i turn 30....  i want to have my babies.... end of story...



i guess there's no stopping time... so here's to 12/21/12... my 30.... ready for something to look forward to...

...missing our angels...

 



...the many "firsts" without you...

just as i began to find my self being stronger and a new energy for life building back in my heart... i find myself begin swallowed up by these moments of 'predictable heartbreak and sadness'.... predictable because i somewhat prepared myself for certain moments of sadness... but when it actually happens... it's difficult, but i know it's part of the process....

just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...

over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..."  it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....

then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....

so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....

... taking down the crib...

i knew taking down the crib would be difficult... knowing that the crib was put together just 3 weeks before i gave birth but not knowing that i would never bring home the 2 little precious babies that would sleep there...

for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....

in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....

then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....

but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone... 

Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find...  tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3