It's not supposed to be like this...

Good days are ok... they are more frequent and are long... but bad days hit me like knife in my back... i don't see it coming and it hurts each time...


so why is today a hard day?  just because...


because i was thinking about being pregnant... because i am so sad... because my body couldn't hold my babies... because i feel like it's all my fault...because i feel like a failure... because pregnancy is not supposed to end like this... because i know there's nothing i can do to fix it now...


because it's not supposed to be like this... because i'm supposed have 4 daughters here... because i miss my babies... because it's not fair... because i'm mad or sad or whatever this stupid feeling is that makes me cry all the time....


because i wanted to have my babies growing in my tummy... because i want to be preparing for their arrival... because i want to be happy and have so much to look forward too... because i don't want to put all their baby things away... because i refuse to take down their crib... because that little pink room with the recliner and all their baby things has been dark for months...



because i don't want to be sad and have to pray for healing... because although flowers next to their urns are beautiful, i don't want to have to have a memorial for my children... because i rather have my babies here with me instead of in heaven...


because i wanted my babies to know my love... because i want to be able to hold both of my babies in my arms at the same time...because it pains me that i never got to take care of my own babies... because my babies never got to know me... because they never got to feel my warmth... or hear my whispers... because i thought they would survive...


because trying to keep it all together is sometimes too hard... because i don't want to feel uncomfortable around other people... because i don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me...


because i wanted my miracle twins to survive... because although we've been blessed with our babies while they were in my tummy, i want them to still be here... because when i hear a baby cry, i think about my babies...


because it's been 2 months and my heart still hurts.... because i'm a mommy that misses her children... because i think about my babies all day, everyday.... because life is just not the same without my girls.... because even tho i have so many friends and family that i can call, write to, text... i still feel alone...


because it's not supposed to be like this...