i've come to the realization that my "new normal" is being someone else... i feel like my every day is spent feeling and acting like someone else... like everything is just a show when really i'm an entirely different person inside...
it consists of waking up, get myself and the kids ready, drop off the kids, go to work, work my 8 hours, then drive home and have 2 beers to ease my mind... all while trying my best not to think of anything that could possibly make me cry... this is now my new normal...
i tell everyone i'm doing good, i tell everyone i'm getting stronger every day... i smile bigger then i ever did, i laugh harder then i should, i try to think of things that people want to hear, i try to join every conversation so that i don't feel left out... just all part of my new normal...
when i feel like i'm about to crack, i shake it off... when i feel like i don't want to be somewhere, i toughen up... when i hear or see something that reminds me of my babies or my pregnancy, i think of something else... i never do the 'run to the bathroom and cry' deal because i know that it'll mean that i was unprofessional... i guess this is all part of my new normal...
in the morning when i want so bad to spend time thinking of my babies, i ignore the feeling... when i want to just cry my heart out, i just suck it in... when i feel like venting to God, to Shane, or just venting, i don't... i have to move on... this is part of my new normal...
i hate feeling uncomfortable in a situation, so i laugh it off... i don't like bringing up something i shouldn't have, so i change the subject... i don't want to make people feel weird, so i try not to say anything... maybe i just think too much... but again.. my new normal...
when i see people i haven't seen for a while, i hear "congratulations" or "how's the baby"... i smile and say fine... i try to avoid uncomfortable conversations and don't want to make others feel bad, when i have to admit, it breaks me inside... adjusting to these are part of my new normal...
seeing pregnant women, little babies, twins... thinking about it, talking about it... going on like i'm ok... trying to hold everything in because i have to just move on... my new normal...
trying to ignore my eyes when they fill with tears, taking a deep breath when i know they didn't mean what they said, sticking it out when i really want to leave the conversation... all part of my new normal....
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remembering the excitement of being pregnant with the twins...
wanting so bad to be giving birth in a couple of weeks....
wishing this was my turn to be announcing my girls birth day...
wanting to have the nursery all set-up and ready to go...
wishing my babies were still alive...
wanting a happy life without tears and difficult days...
hating this feeling that rips me to the core...
not wanting to be the person to avoid...
still wishing that this was all a bad dream...
remembering the day i gave birth and the day the girls passed...
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all part of my new normal...
and honestly... i hate my new normal...
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