In a few days, we'll be cheering on Jazlynn & Jayden in their next cheerleading competition at the Waikiki Shell... The Aloha Spirit International Championships... I remember having multiple conversations about this date and how I will be on strict bedrest, maybe try to rent a wheelchair so that I could go and watch the girls perform... Hoping and praying that by this date, I wasn't dilated yet and that the twins would be probably killing my back and giving me leg cramps... but not anymore... good? sure, I guess... but it still hurts like a punch in the stomach...
and Sunday... It's Easter... the first real holiday (besides Valentine's Day) that the girls will miss... I remember telling Shane that he's probably going to be stressing out because of the cheer compeition, making Easter baskets and goodie bags, and with me being completely immobile because of my predicted size... And now, I just feel completely empty as I sat next to the girls urns... wishing that they were either still in me or here with us...
As I slowly reach each date that I had already planned in my head, it breaks my heart a little... each time... each thought... I heard that the due date is often a hard day for many mothers who have loss their babies... I guess preparing my heart and thoughts for this will help to make it a good day instead of a sad...
And I see and hear of so many others getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, having twins, loving their babies and watching them grow.... and I just think... "gosh... how I so wish..." As much as I love hearing wonderful news... it feels like a punch in the stomach...
I don't know when I'm supposed to start feeling happy about all of this... I know what my response is supposed to be... and I know what I'm supposed to think and say... but why does my heart not feel the same... why does it feel like a punch in the stomach when these days happen or when I hear something... why can't I just get over this feeling?
With each day, I know it gets better and until that day comes, I guess I just need to toughen up and just suck it up... some things will knock me down for sure... but I need to learn how to get back up without crying about it...
Hang in there Nikki. It's like any other devastating event. You won't "get over it" you will learn to live with it. You will feel better in time but it hasn't been very long. It only gets better from where you are now, just focus on things that make u smile.
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