moving on...

when will it happen? 

i stood in front of the urns the other day and my arms went up into a motion like craddling a baby... in my mind, i could feel the weight of the babies in my arms... i felt so sad that they weren't physically here... they should be here...

i just need to move on... i can't keep crying anymore... i can't keep feeling sorry for myself or feeling sad that the babies are not here... i've read books... gone to church, prayed... i've blogged, i've googled... stayed home, gone out... WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!?!

i wonder if my babies ever saw me... did they hear my voice when i spoke to them... did they know it was me that was touching them the night before they both went to heaven?

are they together right now? what do they look like? what color hair do they have?

my heart is so broken and i'm sad... there is such a big part of me that is just holding on... and preventing me from moving on...

it feels almost like moving on, means forgetting... means leaving everything in the past... but i'm not ready to leave it in the past... i still want my babies to be my future...





"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go"... I need more strength... ♥

Heaven's beach...

Project Heal by Carly Marie (Christian Beach)

broken hearted...

i wish i had the strength to move on... and at times, i wish i had the strength to give up...

mother's day...

these two monkies make me laugh... ((my mother's day wall of art))

and this is the only reason i keep going...

just one day in heaven...

as i walked from my car to work on thursday i looked up and just thought "thank you Jesus for this day"... it was such a beautiful day... one of those days that there is not a cloud in the sky and it almost feels like you could see right into heaven...

tears rolled down my face as i thought about heaven and my little girls... i imagined that the sky was clear that morning so that the girls could see me and that i could see them... i wished that heaven wasn't so far away and that i could just get on a plane to heaven to see my babies...

i imagined being able to see my babies in a soft white colored room with a rocking chair... with no loud sounds and no harsh words or stupid people... i imagined a peaceful moment like when a mother holds her child for the first time and their eyes meet...and there were no tears, only smiles and happy thoughts... just to have a day where i didn't have to think of anything or be frustrated because i was safe in heaven...

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

... i miss you my precious little angels... and i know that you both are resting peacefully in heaven... i would do anything for just one day with you girls and at times i want to just leave everything in this world, just to be with you... mommy loves you so very much and i hope you're taking care of each other... tomorrow is mother's day and i had imagined spending this mother's day with you two in my arms... but since you girls are in heaven and mommy is here, i thank you girls for being a part of my life...i am still a mommy of my 4 daughters... i love you so so much and think of you every day...

is it May already?

this week is when the twins would have been born.  i would have reached my 36 week point and my twins would be full term... for this very reason, i ordered a "welcome baby girl" flower basket and picked it up after work... it smells so good and is so pretty...

it's amazing how the littlest things remind us of the babies... like on friday, i just got out of the shower when i heard the sounds of a soft cry coming from the other room... so i wrapped the towel around me and walked to Jazlynn & Jayden's room where i saw Jaz crying... i asked her what happened and she looked down and said nothing... so i repeated my self and she said she was thinking of the babies... she told me that today she was looking at her phone and saw that it was 05/04 (May 4th)... so it was 3 months ago that the babies were born... jayden and i both gave her a hug and i told her it'll be ok and that it was ok to cry and miss her sisters... we talked about the babies and how they are now 3 months old in heaven...

wow, has it really been that long... has 3 months passed by already?... it's already May...

today (sunday), the kids and i were cleaning the house when i realized that we had to go and pick-up some mother's day cards... i started vaccuming when my mind started to think about just that day... mother's day... it made me think of the babies... and it also made me think of just that word... MOTHER...

what a special privilage to be a mother... such a reward... not knowing how important your role is until something happens that makes you appreciate your own mother or your own children...

i started to think about mothers who have loss children... children who have loss mothers...

i thought about my own mom... and how this year, we will celebrate mother's day for my mom but how this year will be the first mother's day with out her mom... my grandma vivian passed away in december... we were all so hurt and sad by the loss of our grandma viv... and i know it hurts my mom even more... every memory is like little moments together that we keep so close in our hearts...

i thought, if i had one wish, any wish, what would i want for mother's day... and i knew within a second that this year, i wanted to spend mother's day in heaven (and then to come back, of course)... i could see my grandma and my babies together in heaven, just for one day...  how that would be the greatest gift... to be able hold my precious babies in my arms even for just one day... for them to open their eyes and look at me, knowing that i am their mommy...

but since heaven isn't an option, i feel blessed that my little twins are in good hands... with my mom's mom... and we will celebrate the lives we know and those we've loss on mother's day...

May flowers... here's to praying for this month to bloom some new blessings into our lives...