Vacation time isn't the same...

I'm supposed to be on vacation... Well sort of... Shane and the girls were originally supposed to be travelling to California for their Cheerleading competition while I was supposed to still be pregnant and on bedrest with the twins... But since things are different now, I'm here... with Shane and the girls in California...

The cheer competition went well and I am so extremely proud of Jazlynn an Jayden for doing such a great job... Jayden's team (Tiny Level 1) took 1st place and Jazlynn's teams took 4th place (Junior Level 2) and 2nd place (Senior Level 3)... I am so proud...

And on the other hand, I am having such a difficult time being here... I feel like I'm forcing smiles and laughter because that's just what I have to do for my girls...

But today I couldn't hold it in and I had a breakdown in the middle of the day at the theme park we were at... I was so embarrased... I couldn't stop crying... I wanted to run away... I didn't know what I was doing and I was upsetting Shane because of the way I was acting... But I honestly couldn't hold it in...

And now, here I am... It's just pass midnight in California and I can't sleep, my eyes are all puffy and tears are streaming down my face while Shane and the kids sleep... Today marks 1 month since the passing of the twins... One month and I still cry like a baby... How do I keep going when almost every bit of my body just wants to stop?... I am having such a hard time here on this trip where I can't hide in the comfort of my own house and cry when I have these moments... I have to be polite and courteous when all I really want to do is go home and just cry my heart out... How am I suppose to be a good mom to Jazlynn and Jayden when it hurts me so much that Arianna and Brianna are not here on this family vacation.

My eyes hurt... My heart is broken... And I'm awake and missing my babies... all while I'm supposed to be having a great time on this trip...