This song made me think... really think about life and everything that has happened in the last month... it made me think of everyone in my life that I have and how every person cares... even when there are no words to say, even when it's uncomfortable, even when I never asked for anything... they still care...
I realized that as difficult as the past month has been for my family, and especially me, that God would not have let us suffer in this alone... that he honestly would never give us anything we could not handle... and I see that God has given our family an amazing blessing...
I remember in the first couple weeks at home, I felt very angry with everything... with the entire situation, with my body, and with God... I could not see the blessing or find things to be thankful for...
But now, I realize that I was just so angry and sad, that I simply did not want to see the blessings... I did not want to see anything positive out of my babies passing, because how could I, when I didn't even want to look forward to the next day...or the next anything... I was stuck and grieving...
Now that it's been a few weeks and I notice that I have more good days than bad, I am able to look at life with a new set of eyes... (I mean, yes, it's not always easy, and yes, I still have moments... but I'm getting there...) but with these new set of eyes, comes a new perspective of my babies passing... I have longer moments where I am so thankful and so blessed for my family and friends... for the unconditional love and support that we have received and continue to receive...
The song was called God Gave Me You... by Dave Barnes
When I heard that song, my first thought was about the twins... I thought about how God gave me these precious babies to change my life, to make me think of things in a new light...
Then, I though of Shane... I thought about how Shane has truly been the greatest blessing in my life... We are by FAR, not a perfect couple, we still fight and complain about each other, we tease and irritate each other for fun, which ends up being annoying... but behind all of that, behind the grammar correcting, fart excusing, lazy frustration... he has become my life, my rock, and my best friend... Shane is definitely someone who is there for me during my ups and downs, for the days of doubt...
When we came home from the hospital right after the twins had passed away, I remember crying so hard and for so long that there were just no words... nothing to say to each other... but Shane was there... holding me, comforting me, and just giving all of his love to me... Every time I would cry or whenever I needed to talk about Arianna & Brianna or about giving birth or about anything, there he was...
I believe, in all my heart, that God gave me Shane because he knew this would happen... and that Shane would be there to help me get thru this... I feel that God put Shane in my life early so that we could be blessed with Jazlynn... even at the ages of 19/21, we were so young... but God blessed us with this beautiful little girl that has turned our lives around and was the glue that kept us together for so many years... and now, 10 years later, she continues to bless our lives with her compassionate heart and incredible talents... Then God answered our prayers 5 years later and gave us Jayden... our beautiful blond baby girl that although drives us crazy and is such a diva, brings such laughter and fun in our lives... and then, with the grace of God, 5 years later, we were blessed with the miracle of being pregnant with the twins... and as the road continues to be difficult, I am so very thankful for being able to be on this journey with Shane... he is the love of my life and thru him, my life has been enriched...
This song also reminded me about how thankful I am for my family... especially for my sister, Ashley... She was the one who brought me to the hospital on the day I went into labor and delivered the twins... she takes care of and has unconditional love for my family and for me... I remember growing up, my sister used to be so mean and would beat up my brother and me! but after all of this, I realize that in times of need... my sister will always be someone that I can count on... Same with my mom, dad, and brother... we may act like a weird family, not affectionate, never say "I love you" to each other, never hug or kiss each other... but really, we are a close family and still make each other laugh thru difficult times...
I am also blessed with wonderful in laws, best friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even "friends-of-friends"... We have received dozens of beautiful cards, letters, prayers, emails, flowers, messages, phone calls, and texts.
I believe that our lives are so blessed... and Arianna and Brianna are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends that care about them...
God Gave Me You
I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you
There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.
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