The story of my angels...

I'm creating this blog so that I can some how communicate with my friends and family at moments when I am able... I feel so lost and confused but need to get words out... I need to let my story be heard and I want to honor my beautiful angels... Thru time and prayer, I find little windows of light... I want to use this blog during my healing, in hopes that it helps me to find peace... to find the new me...


In blessed honor and loving memory of my twin angel babies... Arianna K.E. Tam and Brianna K.T. Tam, I would like to share story of what happend... the day(s) my life changed and my heart broke...


Here we go...

Saturday, February 4, 2012... It was our 6th wedding anniversary... Shane was in Las Vegas and I was at home with the 2 girls... just relaxing and cleaning the house here and there when I had energy... I received a beautiful bouquet of roses and lilies in the early morning ... I did 2 loads of laundry and made mac-n-cheese for lunch... Around 12:30pm, I was getting Jazlynn & Jayden ready for cheer practice when I began feeling "funny"... not in pain... but more like I had to "pee" really bad... I brushed it off and started to think "oh great! I have a bladder infection now"...


On the way to dropping of the girls, I called my cousin Val who works at the hospital... She told me to please go in and get checked... I dropped off the girls to practice, called the doctor from the car to let him know what I was feeling... he also told me to go in and get checked just in case... My sister was home so I asked her to take me to the hospital because I didn't want to go alone... We reached the hospital (30 miles away) at 2:45pm...


By this time, I decided to text Shane to let him know that we were at the hospital but I didn't want him to worry... I told him everything would be ok and it's probably just gas or a UTI or something... But of course, he worried and was so scared...


After a few minutes, the doctor came in, I gave my urine sample... as I stood up, I felt a strong pressure pain like I had to push... It lasted for a good 2 minutes and I couldn't even get on the hospital bed... after it was over, I climbed on the bed and the doctor checked me... I will never forget the look on her face when she told me that I was fully dilated with a bulging water bag... I began to cry so hard... with the very next contraction, my water broke...


Words cannot express the unbelievable pain and sadness I felt at that very moment...
My sister called Shane... We were all crying... Shane said he ran all the way to the room and packed his bags... he called his mom and asked her to find him a flight... no matter how much it costs, what time, he needed to get home to be with me... 


I still remember seeing my OB doctor walk in and I just started crying... asking him what happened... what did I do? 


The contractions seemed to be very far apart once my water bag broke... sometimes it felt like 5 minutes would go by between contractions... It was a very different pain... while I was having contractions, the nurse and my cousin Val kept having trouble finding the girls heartbeats... I had to turn from side to side...


My mom and Shane were calling my sister and Val the entire time... I remember hearing my sister and Val crying, telling me that Shane was crying and that he was so sorry for not being there with me... I remember wanting him to be with me... crying with me... holding me...


With each contraction, they got stronger, and the next thing I knew, Dr. Chang told me to just push when I felt the next contraction... So I did... I pushed twice before I heard "slow... slow, ok stop!"  Arianna was born... it was 5:09PM... They held her for 60 seconds while she kicked and began taking her first breaths... I remember feeling relieved that she was moving and breathing... Her eyes were open too... After the 60 seconds, the handed her off to the Neonatal Resuscitate team....


My next contraction, Dr. Chang told me to push again... "slow... slow... ok stop!" Brianna was born... it was 5:14PM... They held her too for 60 seconds. Brianna had her eyes open, kicked great big kicks and took deep breaths, she even let out a little cry that I remember so clearly... it sounded like a little cat's meow... I smiled... and in my heart, I knew she was my strong girl...


The rest was a painful blur... I remember being put under general anesthesia because my placenta wasn't coming out... After waking up, I remember feeling a relief that both babies were alive, breathing, kicking, and both girls eyes were open... I felt calm... all I wanted was for Shane to be here with me... and I knew that he was on his way home and for some reason, I felt incredibly confident that my babies were ok...


My sister stayed with me all night until Shane arrived... When he walked in, I could see the hurt in his eyes... he had been crying... We immediately went to see the babies in the NICU


Sunday night/Monday morning... Shane and I had just closed our eyes for a couple of hours when the Neonatal doctor on duty knocked on our door... He turned on the light and told us that Arianna was not doing good... he told us that she may not make it till morning... We got up and rushed down to be with her in the NICU... as soon as we got there, we were told that they just stabilized her... Shane and I spent so much time with Arianna... they let us touch her and we told her to be strong and how much we loved her...


While we were there, we stopped by to visit Brianna, who was stabilized as well... We talked to her and told her to be strong like her sister... we told her how beautiful she was and that we loved her so very much...


After a few hours, we went back to our room to try to get some sleep... We woke up at 6:30am so that we could go down to see the girls... As soon as we got there, we noticed that there were at least 10 doctors and nurses around Brianna... we were so scared... we didn't know what was happening... The nurse supervisor on duty sat me down and told me that Brianna's lungs were failing and that they are trying to get oxygen into her... My body was numb... I just stared at all the doctors and nurses helping Brianna... 


Before we had to leave (7:00am nurse shift change), we stopped by to visit Arianna... she was so peaceful and sleeping... she was stabilized but her blood pressure was very low... Shane and I said a prayer for both our babies then left the NICU until we were allowed to go back at 7:30am...


I remember as soon as we got back to our room, I brushed my teeth, then our hospital room phone rang... They were losing Brianna, we needed to get back there right away... Shane and I rushed down... They told us not to wash our hands, to come quickly and sit down, she wasn't going to make it much longer... The doctor placed little Brianna in my arms... She was so beautiful... I cried like a baby for the first time in a long time... she was gone... My little sweet sweet angel Brianna grew her angel wings in my arms...


We got to spend time with Brianna in a private room for families... it was so hard... I felt like a part of me had just died with Brianna... she was gone and so was I... We asked if we could take Brianna's body to be next to her sister... the nurses said we could... As soon as we brought Brianna to Arianna's side, Arianna's stats started to do better... as if she knew her sister was near...


We had love for our little Brianna... she was an angel in heaven... and we had hope for our little Arianna... that she would pull thru and make it pass this day...


But after a couple of hours... we were told in a panic that Arianna's heart was dropping, to come quick... there we were again... being rushed to sit down as they quickly placed my little sweet sweet Arianna in my arms... I held her little body as she drifted on to heaven... growing her wings as I held her and cried...


With my 2 angel babies in my arms... I felt an incredible pain that I just cannot explain... I remember having horrible thoughts about wanting to be with my babies no matter what it took... I remember wanting to scream at the top of my lungs... I remember crying so hard that I felt like a little baby... I couldn't breathe... I couldn't think... I couldn't do anything but feel guilt, grief, and a broken heart... I was numb and lost...


What is my life supposed to be like now... How am I supposed to live without my 2 precious babies... I pray to God to help me heal... to help me see the light....


My sweet sweet angels... Arianna & Brianna, February 4-6, 2012... I love them with every ounce of my being and miss them with every beat of my heart...

Angels: Arianna & Brianna
Born: February 4, 2012
My original due date: June 2, 2012
Weeks Pregnant: 23 weeks exactly
Arianna's Weight: 1lb
Arianna's Height: 10 7/8"
Brianna's Weight: 1lb 3oz
Brianna's Height: 12"