I wrote this blog on Thursday but didn't post it because I thought, omg, I'm so crazy!... I was very angry and upset... I cried and threw myself a big ol' pity-party... I didn't want anyone to know that I was so angry... but now, 2 days later... I realize that it's ok... that these days will happen... and it'll be ok...
It's amazing how most times, we can go about our lives, our every day, without one single thought about how precious life is... we think about ourselves, about our job, our cars, about how much money we have or want...We strive for big homes, shiny diamonds, and expensive brand name clothes... we want to look good all the time, try to pretend that our lives are better than others, only post the best photos online that hide the real person you are so that others would post comments that boost your self confidence... but maybe, it's not "we"... maybe that was just me... the me that went thru life and wanted everything to be perfect... or at least seem that way...
How selfish of me... how incredibly shallow, self-centered, and selfish of me... and now... I feel like everything is different... everything has changed...
I feel so incredibly frustrated and heart broken... All I can think about is how selfish I was... and how precious life is now... I feel like I now just live in a world of wishes and hopes that somehow I still want to go back and change things... I get frustrated because I can't... I get frustrated for no reason... I start to yell at Shane or the kids because, well, honestly, I have no idea... I can't find that balance...
I feel like my world has stopped... but it is hard for me that to realize that everyone else's life still goes on... how stupid of me... I think, how can everything go on like nothing has happened... my 2 babies are gone... doesn't that change the world?... NOPE... just my world... and this frustrates me...
Thursday, Shane & I were driving to Costco... we were maybe 2-3 minutes away and I just started to feel this knot in my stomach... then all my muscles got tense... I felt a tingle in my face and my eyes filled with tears under my sunglasses... I started crying... I didn't know what I was crying about, but I knew I was frustrated... Shane rubbed my leg... I let out a loud "I hate this! I'm so mad and I don't know why... I hate feeling this way... I don't understand..."
We parked the car, then Shane gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loves me... I know that I love Shane and the girls and that they are still my life... I know my life will go on and I'll be ok again... but I just don't like this feeling... I wish so bad that I could change things... I don't care anymore about buying a new car or having expensive things... I don't care about trying to be perfect or impress people... I just want my babies back and I am so frustrated that I can't do anything... I feel this rage in me that just wants to come out... I seriously feel like I'm 3 years old and I want to throw myself on the grown and scream...
A song that I heard on the radio and I loved it... I thought I would be a perfect song to listen to on days like these...
Rob Thomas - Little Wonders
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to appreciate all the miracles u already have in ur life... This too shall pass... Nikki u are doing incredibly. Thank you so much for sharing. It is perfectly okay and normal to be hurt and angry. Everything u are feeling is normal and healthy. I would be scared if u said that u felt anything other than what u do, and that's because u are an incredible mom with an immense love for ur babies.
ReplyDeleteNikki, this blog in particular has struck a nerve that runs throughout my entire body. I am guilty of exactly what u wrote in the first line. I do go about my day/life like I have no worries in the world, my job, my car, bills, etc. and not once do/did I think of how precious life REALLY is (90% of the time). You have opened my eyes with the grief/pain (sad to say) that you are going thru for me to realize that there are way more important things in life that matter like my family and health (to say a couple). I want to thank you for that...
ReplyDeleteEven tho we do not know each other well, I know you are a great person. I know you may be thinking,"why me", "why am I so sad/mad", "when will this feeling go away", etc. these feelings is what is happening and is very real and very normal. I can't and will not say, "I know how you feel" because I DON'T... But, I do know that when losing a loved one close to you (as I have), it isn't the easiest thing. I want to say that you are doing a great job as a mother, wife, friend, etc. and getting thru this will take some time. Keep pushing forward as best as u can and like you said, "take it minute by minute". If you take two steps back, that's okay, that's normal... and yes some days are better then others. In closing, I want to say, "Nikki, u will be okay".