Prior to the girls being born, after the kids went to school and Shane was at work, I would sit at the dining table and have breakfast... I would put the song "Baby Mine" by Alison Krauss on my iphone and place it in my lap for my babies to listen to... it would replay at least 4 times before I could finish eating breakfast... That was my "breakfast time" with the girls... in the quite morning... almost every day... it was peaceful and I loved it... Brianna used to kick until the song replayed again, once the music started, she wouldn't move much... as if she was listening to the words carefully... it made me laugh and I felt such joy...
But this morning, with the girls off to school and Shane just left to quickly do some errands... I'm sitting at the dining table... alone with my bowl of oatmeal and it was almost a reflex that I grabbed my iphone and was about to play my song for the babies as I did every morning until about a week ago... but this time, I had to stop and take a deep breath.... I put my hand on my shrinking tummy and just had to say a prayer to the girls... I couldn't help but just wish, wish so bad that my little babies were still in my tummy, where they would have been protected... where I was supposed to be nurturing them and taking care of them... but they're not... and I felt empty...
I played their song anyway, and placed my iphone on my lap while I finished my breakfast...
For me, I think that as their mother, my one and only job was to protect my babies... and I couldn't even do that... its a different feeling, I think, than losing a parent, grandparent, friend, or family member... to me I feel an incredible guilt, and in some moments, very angry... All of the "if only I..." or "if only I told the doctor this...." My babies counted on me and I feel like I failed at something that was no one else's fault but mine...
Every minute of last week replay in my mind... I like remembering... but it's so hard... I know that I will never be the same person again... I just feel so lost and empty... If it wasn't for Shane, Jazlynn, and Jayden... I'm not sure if I would be as "well" as I am now... where I have to force myself to get out of bed to get the girls ready for school, practice, or parties... or force myself to do the laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes because, well, that's what a mommy does... but I feel so torn... torn between the mommy and wife that I need to be, that I'm supposed to be for my 2 girls and Shane, and between the mommy that misses my 2 angels in heaven, that wants to lay in bed or in the nursery and just be in the quiet where I can think about them and try to remember how they felt in my tummy and when they were born... Its hard that I have to be strong and act like I'm ok for my family but I really feel like I'm barely hanging on...
Over the past days, I had to cancelled my online social groups that I belonged to like "June 2012 Twins & Multiples", "June 2012 Birth Club" and "Got Twins", and instead, joined new online social groups called "Miscarriage, Stillborn, & Infant Loss", "Loss Twins", & "Multiple 2nd and 3rd Trimester Loss"... It really hurts... but as much as I am suffering and grieving... I see that there are HUNDREDS of other women in these groups who have also suffered losses... some not nearly as far as mine to some who have lost their 6 month old infant, and some, who have a story that mirrors my exact story... I have never ever thought that so many women suffer the losses like mine... and now that my heart bleeds for the loss of my own, I've gained compassion for this other side of life that I never knew... a part of life that I would never wish upon anyone and if I could, would protect the rest of the world from... it's so hard and it hurts... but it has also opened my eyes to another world...
But I think, what hurts the most, is that although I only got to share 2 days on earth with my twin princesses, in my mind and in my heart, I had a lifetime planned... from the stress of these unplanned miracles, to finances struggles, and having to drive a mini-van and even tho I complained that I would be fat and probably not have time to even brush my hair, put on make-up or travel anymore... it was all set... this big big dream balloon that was supposed to be the rest of my life... a dream that was so close to being my reality... but exactly one week ago, that dream floated away with my angels... and I'm left here... not ready to let go of the ribbon that once connected me to that dream...
I'm just hoping, wishing, and praying, that I'll wake up and everything will just go back to the way it was... when I was sitting at the dining table with my breakfast, listening to the babies music and feeling them move in my tummy....it was just about a week ago today... and now everything has changed...
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