I thought yesterday was a wonderful day... an uplifting and peaceful day... I only shed a few tears in the early morning, but remember feeling so happy for the rest of yesterday... I thought to myself, you know what, life will go on and we will honor the lives of our little angels in heaven... and although I miss the girls dearly, I think that I've found the new me... I even slept very well for the first time since the babies were born...
Then this morning, I was doing laundry... Folding clothes and making all the separate piles for Shane, Jazlynn, Jayden, and me... and I just cracked and started crying big fat tears... of all things to cry over... I was just doing laundry and I started to cry... Since when did laundry trigger depression? My mind started to think that there were supposed to be a pile for the babies... even if it was just 1 pile because the babies would have shared clothes... but I was no longer pregnant and there were no piles for the babies... just great... even laundry = heartache... I had to take a break and sit in the nursery so that I could just hold the babies (the urns) on my lap and play their music on my iphone... I felt better... a little crazy, but better...
And now... just now, I just received a pregnancy email subscription stating that I am now supposed to be entering week 25 of my pregnancy... I read just the first couple of sentences... "If born now, your baby has an 80% chance of survival..." This one email just felt like a punch to my stomach...I couldn't help but close my email, shut my eyes, and just cry out loud...
With Jazlynn at cheer practice and Shane with her... my little Jayden snuggled next to me and whispered "it's ok mom"...
My heart is so shattered... I can't help but just feel so angry... If only my body held on a little longer, my babies would still be in my tummy where they would be alive and growing... At week 25, they would have had an 80% chance of survival compared to the 8-10% chance that my little girls had being born at 23 weeks...
When they were born, I honestly felt so sure they would make it... I never thought they wouldn't make it... I thought, they would probably spend the next 5 months in the NICU then we would bring them home...
That I would spend my days at the hospital, praying, and just being with the twins... now I'm so very frustrated and so mad... I wish that there was something I could do... and it just hurts that I can't do anything... Nothing will ever bring my babies back... I feel like I can't breathe...
How can things be going so good yesterday and now I feel like I could run all the way back to the hospital in hopes of doing something... I feel lost and hopeless... I want my babies back... I still should have been pregnant... I hate that this happened... and I hate that there's nothing I can do about it...
What lesson am I supposed to learn from all of this? What is God telling me to do? Why is my mind so full of this guilt and grief right now? When will my heart fill with the blessing of everything that has happened instead of sadness?
Why does this feel like as soon as I take 1 step forward, I fall 2 steps back?
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