Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically...

It has been said that I should take my time to grieve... to take it day by day... when really, I feel it's more like hour by hour...  Like today, being able to wake-up, get the kids ready for school, give them their Valentines gifts, feed them breakfast, and kiss them good-bye... then in a heartbeat... curl up in a ball and just cry my heart out for the next 20 minutes.... I start to think... how much longer will I feel this pain... emotionally, mentally, and physically... how much longer?

Emotionally, I feel like I'm all over the place... one moment I'm good... reading, writing, or talking... then the next moment, I feel like I just want to shut the world off, climb in my bed, and just cry for my Arianna and Brianna... Yesterday, one of the nurses from Kapiolani Hospital called as a courtesy call to check-up on me... to see if I have any questions, concerns, or discomforts (ie: fever, pain, etc)... then she innocently said "Oh, you had twins... and how are they doing?" I seriously could not speak for about 5 seconds... before calmly replying "unfortunately they didn't make it and passed on Monday"...  I felt knots in my stomach and a knife in my heart... I knew at that moment, I am going to have to get used to these questions... but emotionally, I'm ready...

Mentally, I keep trying to replay everything in my mind... what exactly happened? what were the signs I should have paid more attention to? what should I have told my doctor? What will I ask my doctor when I see him on Friday? Do I have an incompetent cervix - IC- (self diagnosed from google searching and other online posts)? What am I supposed to do with my life now? How do I go from not wanting to be pregnant in the first place, to falling in love with my babies, to losing both my babies at the same time, to talking about trying for another baby?  Are these feelings normal? Is it part of my grieving?  I know that we would never replace Arianna and Brianna, but my body, mind, and soul wants to hold my babies...  I drive myself crazy... I can't seem to think of anything else...

And these past few days, my body has been so hard on me... it's so difficult to have to go thru all the physical pain after giving birth... like the bleeding, painful cramping as my uterus returns to it's original size, and the painful breasts as my body produces milk for my babies... the babies that I did not bring home with me from the hospital... these physically painful reminders make it so hard... My body knows that it just had my babies... but my mind knows that they're not here...

I recently read a posting from another mother who has loss her child...  It's called the Bereaved Parent's Wish List... It speaks of the feelings that a bereaved parent goes thru... emotionally and mentally... I have all the same thoughts and wishes... and although I did not write this... it speaks volumes about how I feel...


Bereaved Parent's Wish List...

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you as well.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six weeks. These first weeks are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. However a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

16. I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.