Good-bye 2012...

...what a year...

i wish i could shout out that i'm so ready to get this year over and done with... this year has changed the way i look at so many things... it has changed my entire life...

but this year has also taught me so many things about life and about myself that i never knew or even thought about...

i will always remember that 2012 was the year that my beautiful twin girls were born... and the year they went to heaven...  Arianna and Brianna are always a part of our family and a part of our lives... i'm so grateful that we have friends and family who still remember and who still love our girls just as much as we do...

i will never forget how difficult this journey has been... grieving... anger... healing... and it's still not the end...

in a way, i am so ready to be over this year... to be done with any regret and sadness... and yet, i'm a little afraid to say good-bye... good-bye to a year that has carved a scar in my heart so deep that it still bleeds from time to time...

good-bye 2012... i'm ready for all the luck and love that 2013 has to bring..

all the best to everyone in the new year

12/21/12.... my 30

remember when you were in school, and you had to write those silly papers on "what you want to accomplish by the time you turn __".  well, ever since i could remember, i had always imagined that by the time i turned __ (aka 30), i would be married to a rich and handsome guy, live in a big house, drive a really nice car, have 2 children, and a great job where i could dress in office clothes and wear high heels to work... 

up until about a year ago, i was on that path to almost achieving it all... and now, the life i had expected to be living at this time in my life is almost that life that i had always dreamed it would be... with just one big thing missing... "happiness..."


as i sit here, with less than 2 hours left until my birthday (or the end of the world as some may say), i feel so sad and lost...


what is my life's purpose... why do i feel so empty and sad?  will the new year bring new love, joy, and happiness into my heart?


this past years has definitely been the most difficult year of my entire life... and i feel like i should be looking forward to something... but i don't... i just feel so sad... i miss my babies... i'm sad that it's the holidays and i don't feel like celebrating but i have to put up with it... i want to be bringing my 2 little babies to the christmas gatherings and being able to share their first christmas with them... i want to have my babies be the reason i'm done having kids by the time i turn 30....  i want to have my babies.... end of story...



i guess there's no stopping time... so here's to 12/21/12... my 30.... ready for something to look forward to...

...missing our angels...

 



...the many "firsts" without you...

just as i began to find my self being stronger and a new energy for life building back in my heart... i find myself begin swallowed up by these moments of 'predictable heartbreak and sadness'.... predictable because i somewhat prepared myself for certain moments of sadness... but when it actually happens... it's difficult, but i know it's part of the process....

just like when someone you love goes to heaven, you have to take on those first year milestones with out them.... out of no where, i found myself thinking about my grandma viv last month.... and till this day, she has not left my mind.... yesterday was her and my grandpa's first anniversary apart since she passed away and i thought about my grandpa.... and i missed my grandma so much...

over the past few months, i've found my self thinking and saying things like "a year ago, i when i was pregnant...." and "last year, we were doing this to get ready for the babies...." or "no i don't remember or didn't go because i was on bed rest..."  it's a constant reminder of these "firsts" without the babies....

then today, as i was cleaning my desk, i found a bunch of extra holiday photo cards/pregnancy annoucements that i had stuffed between a stack of paper.... instantly, i remembered that feeling of pure joy and excitement as i waited so impatiently to mail them out.... i remember Shane and i being so cautious to wait past the 3 month mark... we even waited until we were 16 weeks pregnant before we sent them out asking each other "should we really put it on the card?"....

so as we head into our holiday season.... for some reason.... it feels sad.... but it'll be ok... it may be the first without the babies and my grandma viv... but i guess i can think of it as a new start and the first towards a happy family with our guardian angels enjoying their view of us from heaven....

... taking down the crib...

i knew taking down the crib would be difficult... knowing that the crib was put together just 3 weeks before i gave birth but not knowing that i would never bring home the 2 little precious babies that would sleep there...

for months the nursery stayed dark and untouched... a blush-pink room with white triming... a closet full of baby items that i had been stocking up on everytime things went on sale like diapers, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby powder, my baby books from Jayden that i had found and started to put in their shelves... and two pieces of furniture in that room... a rocking chair that Shane had bought for me just 4 days before i gave birth and the crib....

in the beginnning, after the girls had passed, while Shane and the kids were asleep, i would sit on the rocking chair with just a blanket and the girls hospital boxes and i would cry and cry.... i remember glancing over at the crib and just crying my eyes out... wishing that it were all a dream and that i was still pregnant and that my babies would be home to sleep in that crib....

then as time went on, i stayed away from the babies room because it made me sad... it made me think of how empty it was but yet everytime Shane would say lets take things out or clean it out, i would tell him NO! that i wasn't ready to take down the crib or take out the rocking chair, or even give away any of the baby things that i had bought... i never went back in the room to cry again... actually, i never went back in the room.... period....

but this morning, for some reason, i woke up and thought, i just need to do it... i need to face it... build my bridge and get over it... but i had to do it alone... 

Shane was at work and the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room and i just sat down with an allen wrench and began unscrewing every screw i could find...  tears began to roll down my face... i was sad... but also proud... just knowing that i was accomplishing a milestone that i've been avoiding for too long... i now understand and accept that Arianna and Brianna will never come home... they will never sleep in that crib... i will never hold them in my rocking chair... and i now understand and accept that they are safe and sound in heaven... and that taking down the crib was a bitter-sweet task... and a milestone that i believe is part of the healing... <3

6 months ago...

Six months ago yesterday, I gave birth to two amazing little girls that I had felt move and grow in my tummy...

Six months ago yesterday, I made the decision to try to save my babies lives because I knew they would make it...

Six months ago today, my babies were alive... I had the greatest hopes for their lives and never thought they would not make it... I remember seeing Shane arrive to the room at around 6 in the morning and going straight to the NICU to see the girls.  I was still in a wheel chair...

Six months ago today, the girls were doing good... The doctors and nurses did say that they were the smallest ones in there and that it would be a tough fight... But I never thought the fight would end so soon.

Six months ago tomorrow, the girls left us to go to heaven...

Six months ago tomorrow.... My heart broke when I loss both my girls on the same day... I still can't believe that this is my life... I have never felt such pain and yearning for someone(s) that I can't be with.

Six months ago... I loss my little girls... And with them, I felt my dreams and ambition drift away...

I miss my babies so much...

empty arms...

who knew empty arms would feel so heavy... i mean, how am i supposed to just move on? how do i enjoy the rest of my life with such a heavy heart...

the other day i dreamt of my grandma... i miss her so much.... i mean why? why does life have to be so sad? why do things happen to people like this? what have my family and i done to deserve this?

i'm not strong and i'm tired to trying to be strong... i don't want to have to be strong anymore... i just want to be happy... i want good and happy and exciting and everything i felt when i was pregnant with the twins...

today is a sad day.... and i am alone.... i would give anything to 'trade my soul for a wish...'

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown

sugar coating aside...

i have to say... friends, family, and work are amazing... but sometimes it seriously f*cking sucks!!






sugar coating aside...


every day, i feel like a person with masking tape over their mouth... because although everyone says "don't hold it in... express yourself, let it out, its ok to cry...." seriously? WHY? Whats the point when it doesnt f*ckin matter?

IT DOESNT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!

when i begin to talk about the babies, i KNOW it makes others uncomfortable! so what? i guess i just have to pay someone to talk to!

I HATE SUFFERING IN SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY BABIES TO BE WITH ME! it's not fair! it's not FAIR! i hate what happened! i'm so sad and it's just not fair!!!

the reality of this pain.... (seriously, if you just had a baby or are pregnant.... no offense... and maybe don't read what i'm about to say...)


but the reality of my feelings and pain... when i see someone who has a baby...

...is that i am jealous.... i am so jealous that i can hardly breathe.... listening to baby stories kill me... hearing that someone is pregnant rips me apart.... i hate having to smile and force laughter when i feel like i've just been stabbed in my heart... and although i never want to hear of someone losing their baby.... seeing the happiness between a mother and their newborn baby literally feels like my heart is bleeding....


................... i am just having a ridiculously difficult day.......................... my apologies if this annoys anyone............................ and i seriously don't care if you judge me right now................... but since i have no one to talk to.... i'm going to continue to blog my life away until i die.....................



i wish i could just lock myself from the world... i hate that i feel this way.... i'm sorry that i am saying these things... this is just the raw truth about how i feel right now at this very moment.....

the things that make me cry...

seem to be the same things that make me smile...


'Happy Due Date' to my baby girls...  i love you forever...

 Beautiful spring flowers for this special day with a touch of some gardenia

(gardenia's are from Mama Linda's garden)

You girls already have a collection of toys, colorings, and trinkets

mommy loves you girls so much... i just wish heaven wasn't so far away....

"At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colours of the sunset"

Names in the Sand by Carly Marie Dudley

moving on...

when will it happen? 

i stood in front of the urns the other day and my arms went up into a motion like craddling a baby... in my mind, i could feel the weight of the babies in my arms... i felt so sad that they weren't physically here... they should be here...

i just need to move on... i can't keep crying anymore... i can't keep feeling sorry for myself or feeling sad that the babies are not here... i've read books... gone to church, prayed... i've blogged, i've googled... stayed home, gone out... WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!?!

i wonder if my babies ever saw me... did they hear my voice when i spoke to them... did they know it was me that was touching them the night before they both went to heaven?

are they together right now? what do they look like? what color hair do they have?

my heart is so broken and i'm sad... there is such a big part of me that is just holding on... and preventing me from moving on...

it feels almost like moving on, means forgetting... means leaving everything in the past... but i'm not ready to leave it in the past... i still want my babies to be my future...





"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go"... I need more strength... ♥

Heaven's beach...

Project Heal by Carly Marie (Christian Beach)

broken hearted...

i wish i had the strength to move on... and at times, i wish i had the strength to give up...

mother's day...

these two monkies make me laugh... ((my mother's day wall of art))

and this is the only reason i keep going...

just one day in heaven...

as i walked from my car to work on thursday i looked up and just thought "thank you Jesus for this day"... it was such a beautiful day... one of those days that there is not a cloud in the sky and it almost feels like you could see right into heaven...

tears rolled down my face as i thought about heaven and my little girls... i imagined that the sky was clear that morning so that the girls could see me and that i could see them... i wished that heaven wasn't so far away and that i could just get on a plane to heaven to see my babies...

i imagined being able to see my babies in a soft white colored room with a rocking chair... with no loud sounds and no harsh words or stupid people... i imagined a peaceful moment like when a mother holds her child for the first time and their eyes meet...and there were no tears, only smiles and happy thoughts... just to have a day where i didn't have to think of anything or be frustrated because i was safe in heaven...

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

... i miss you my precious little angels... and i know that you both are resting peacefully in heaven... i would do anything for just one day with you girls and at times i want to just leave everything in this world, just to be with you... mommy loves you so very much and i hope you're taking care of each other... tomorrow is mother's day and i had imagined spending this mother's day with you two in my arms... but since you girls are in heaven and mommy is here, i thank you girls for being a part of my life...i am still a mommy of my 4 daughters... i love you so so much and think of you every day...

is it May already?

this week is when the twins would have been born.  i would have reached my 36 week point and my twins would be full term... for this very reason, i ordered a "welcome baby girl" flower basket and picked it up after work... it smells so good and is so pretty...

it's amazing how the littlest things remind us of the babies... like on friday, i just got out of the shower when i heard the sounds of a soft cry coming from the other room... so i wrapped the towel around me and walked to Jazlynn & Jayden's room where i saw Jaz crying... i asked her what happened and she looked down and said nothing... so i repeated my self and she said she was thinking of the babies... she told me that today she was looking at her phone and saw that it was 05/04 (May 4th)... so it was 3 months ago that the babies were born... jayden and i both gave her a hug and i told her it'll be ok and that it was ok to cry and miss her sisters... we talked about the babies and how they are now 3 months old in heaven...

wow, has it really been that long... has 3 months passed by already?... it's already May...

today (sunday), the kids and i were cleaning the house when i realized that we had to go and pick-up some mother's day cards... i started vaccuming when my mind started to think about just that day... mother's day... it made me think of the babies... and it also made me think of just that word... MOTHER...

what a special privilage to be a mother... such a reward... not knowing how important your role is until something happens that makes you appreciate your own mother or your own children...

i started to think about mothers who have loss children... children who have loss mothers...

i thought about my own mom... and how this year, we will celebrate mother's day for my mom but how this year will be the first mother's day with out her mom... my grandma vivian passed away in december... we were all so hurt and sad by the loss of our grandma viv... and i know it hurts my mom even more... every memory is like little moments together that we keep so close in our hearts...

i thought, if i had one wish, any wish, what would i want for mother's day... and i knew within a second that this year, i wanted to spend mother's day in heaven (and then to come back, of course)... i could see my grandma and my babies together in heaven, just for one day...  how that would be the greatest gift... to be able hold my precious babies in my arms even for just one day... for them to open their eyes and look at me, knowing that i am their mommy...

but since heaven isn't an option, i feel blessed that my little twins are in good hands... with my mom's mom... and we will celebrate the lives we know and those we've loss on mother's day...

May flowers... here's to praying for this month to bloom some new blessings into our lives...

my new normal...

i've come to the realization that my "new normal" is being someone else... i feel like my every day is spent feeling and acting like someone else... like everything is just a show when really i'm an entirely different person inside...

it consists of waking up, get myself and the kids ready, drop off the kids, go to work, work my 8 hours, then drive home and have 2 beers to ease my mind... all while trying my best not to think of anything that could possibly make me cry... this is now my new normal...

i tell everyone i'm doing good, i tell everyone i'm getting stronger every day... i smile bigger then i ever did, i laugh harder then i should, i try to think of things that people want to hear, i try to join every conversation so that i don't feel left out... just all part of my new normal...

when i feel like i'm about to crack, i shake it off... when i feel like i don't want to be somewhere, i toughen up... when i hear or see something that reminds me of my babies or my pregnancy, i think of something else... i never do the 'run to the bathroom and cry' deal because i know that it'll mean that i was unprofessional... i guess this is all part of my new normal...

in the morning when i want so bad to spend time thinking of my babies, i ignore the feeling... when i want to just cry my heart out, i just suck it in... when i feel like venting to God, to Shane, or just venting, i don't... i have to move on... this is part of my new normal...

i hate feeling uncomfortable in a situation, so i laugh it off... i don't like bringing up something i shouldn't have, so i change the subject... i don't want to make people feel weird, so i try not to say anything... maybe i just think too much... but again.. my new normal...

when i see people i haven't seen for a while, i hear "congratulations" or "how's the baby"... i smile and say fine... i try to avoid uncomfortable conversations and don't want to make others feel bad, when i have to admit, it breaks me inside... adjusting to these are part of my new normal...

seeing pregnant women, little babies, twins... thinking about it, talking about it... going on like i'm ok... trying to hold everything in because i have to just move on... my new normal...

trying to ignore my eyes when they fill with tears, taking a deep breath when i know they didn't mean what they said, sticking it out when i really want to leave the conversation... all part of my new normal....

.........................................................................................................................................
remembering the excitement of being pregnant with the twins...

wanting so bad to be giving birth in a couple of weeks....

wishing this was my turn to be announcing my girls birth day...

wanting to have the nursery all set-up and ready to go...

wishing my babies were still alive...

wanting a happy life without tears and difficult days...

hating this feeling that rips me to the core...

not wanting to be the person to avoid...

still wishing that this was all a bad dream...

remembering the day i gave birth and the day the girls passed...

.........................................................................................................................................
all part of my new normal...


and honestly... i hate my new normal...

It's not supposed to be like this...

Good days are ok... they are more frequent and are long... but bad days hit me like knife in my back... i don't see it coming and it hurts each time...


so why is today a hard day?  just because...


because i was thinking about being pregnant... because i am so sad... because my body couldn't hold my babies... because i feel like it's all my fault...because i feel like a failure... because pregnancy is not supposed to end like this... because i know there's nothing i can do to fix it now...


because it's not supposed to be like this... because i'm supposed have 4 daughters here... because i miss my babies... because it's not fair... because i'm mad or sad or whatever this stupid feeling is that makes me cry all the time....


because i wanted to have my babies growing in my tummy... because i want to be preparing for their arrival... because i want to be happy and have so much to look forward too... because i don't want to put all their baby things away... because i refuse to take down their crib... because that little pink room with the recliner and all their baby things has been dark for months...



because i don't want to be sad and have to pray for healing... because although flowers next to their urns are beautiful, i don't want to have to have a memorial for my children... because i rather have my babies here with me instead of in heaven...


because i wanted my babies to know my love... because i want to be able to hold both of my babies in my arms at the same time...because it pains me that i never got to take care of my own babies... because my babies never got to know me... because they never got to feel my warmth... or hear my whispers... because i thought they would survive...


because trying to keep it all together is sometimes too hard... because i don't want to feel uncomfortable around other people... because i don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me...


because i wanted my miracle twins to survive... because although we've been blessed with our babies while they were in my tummy, i want them to still be here... because when i hear a baby cry, i think about my babies...


because it's been 2 months and my heart still hurts.... because i'm a mommy that misses her children... because i think about my babies all day, everyday.... because life is just not the same without my girls.... because even tho i have so many friends and family that i can call, write to, text... i still feel alone...


because it's not supposed to be like this...

When You Lose a Baby...

(Reposted from another blog: http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/)


You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.




I read this posting on another blogger's page and it brought me to tears... it means the world to me to know that I am not alone... but funny thing is, I have never known pain like this... I have never known anyone to discuss pain like this... I guess somethings are just left to this inner circle of us mommies who have angels...
http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/

like a punch in the stomach...

In a few days, we'll be cheering on Jazlynn & Jayden in their next cheerleading competition at the Waikiki Shell... The Aloha Spirit International Championships... I remember having multiple conversations about this date and how I will be on strict bedrest, maybe try to rent a wheelchair so that I could go and watch the girls perform... Hoping and praying that by this date, I wasn't dilated yet and that the twins would be probably killing my back and giving me leg cramps... but not anymore... good? sure, I guess... but it still hurts like a punch in the stomach...

and Sunday... It's Easter... the first real holiday (besides Valentine's Day) that the girls will miss... I remember telling Shane that he's probably going to be stressing out because of the cheer compeition, making Easter baskets and goodie bags, and with me being completely immobile because of my predicted size...  And now, I just feel completely empty as I sat next to the girls urns... wishing that they were either still in me or here with us...

As I slowly reach each date that I had already planned in my head, it breaks my heart a little... each time... each thought... I heard that the due date is often a hard day for many mothers who have loss their babies... I guess preparing my heart and thoughts for this will help to make it a good day instead of a sad...

And I see and hear of so many others getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, having twins, loving their babies and watching them grow.... and I just think... "gosh... how I so wish..." As much as I love hearing wonderful news... it feels like a punch in the stomach...

I don't know when I'm supposed to start feeling happy about all of this... I know what my response is supposed to be... and I know what I'm supposed to think and say... but why does my heart not feel the same... why does it feel like a punch in the stomach when these days happen or when I hear something... why can't I just get over this feeling?

With each day, I know it gets better and until that day comes, I guess I just need to toughen up and just suck it up... some things will knock me down for sure... but I need to learn how to get back up without crying about it...

March for Babies: Team Arianna & Brianna

Aloha Friends & Family,

We're excited to be a part of March for Babies this year.

This is our very first year participating with the March of Dimes, March for Babies event as we walk in honor our twin babies, Arianna & Brianna Tam. Our twin girls that were born on February 4, 2012, at only 23 weeks gestation, due to pre-term labor. Our little girls gently grew their angel wings on February 6, 2012 due to various complications associated with being born premature.

Sadly, every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick. So we're walking because we want to do something about this. The money we raise will support March of Dimes research and programs that help moms have full-term pregnancies and babies begin healthy lives. And it will be used to bring comfort and information to families with a baby in newborn intensive care.

This first-hand experience has not only opened our eyes to this world, but has given us a greater appreciation for life and the importance of supporting organizations like the March of Dimes.

Please help our team reach our goal by joining / making a donation as well as spreading the word.... We hope to give ALL babies a healthy start!

Visit our team Web page at: http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1844411

Would you like to see what March for Babies is and why I'm walking? Click the link to see the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ1CsZbjY0g

If you would like to learn more about March for Babies, visit the Web site at www.marchforbabies.org.

Take care and Mahalo,

Nicole & Shane Tam

(In loving memory of our Angels - Arianna & Brianna Tam)

Arianna & Brianna Tam

February 4-6, 2012

The March of Dimes mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

Honolulu, Hawaii's March for Babies Information:

Kapiolani Park 

(Team Arianna & Brianna will have our own tent/banner for our walkers)

Sunday, April 22, 2012

6:30-7:00am Registration

7:30am Start Time

5 Miles Distance

just one of those days...

don't you just hate it when you can't stop crying... when everything you think about reminds you about how sad you are... when it seems like every song, every word, everything, is just so sad... when it starts to physically hurt to be sad... to cry... you can't breathe... you can't think... you can't even get up... you wish that this was all a very bad dream and want it to just go away...

i thought to myself - what was i doing to trigger the crying this time... so that i don't ever do it again... then i realize that i wasn't doing anything different... i was checking my damn email and my mind just went off on it's own... and now here i am... crying my heart out like someone has died... wait... yes... 2 of my daughters have died... they are both gone!... and i can't fix it... and i can't bring them back... i can't do anything but just cry... and i can't stop...

please... someone bring back my babies and make this pain go away... please...... i'll do anything..........

today.... today is just one of those days......

Today was supposed to be our baby shower...

The theme was Noah's ark... because the animals came 2 by 2... i remember being so excited when i finally decided on a theme.... the baby registry was all set-up... the nursery had been painted... the crib was assembled... so we just were waiting on the baby shower...

i remember thinking that i would be huge by this day and that it would probably be a long day for me since i figured being around 30 weeks pregnant with the twins would be really uncomfortable... i told my friends to save the date... shane's sister had already printed the invitations... it was so cute...

but they were never sent...

i'm so sad... i was so looking forward to this day... to the shower... getting all the girls things ready for their big day... i remember spending hours reading about "raising twins"... everything they would need... double the struggles, double the stress, double the everything... including double the love and double the joy...

i wish so bad that this feeling that i'm feeling right now would just go away... i feel lost... and so sad...

why did this have to happen?...  why did my 2 little babies get taken away so soon?...

have you ever had a dream just shatter right in the palm of your hands?... i feel like my dream did... and it's in a million pieces of beautiful shiny glass... on the ground... and there's nothing i can do to fix it...

today was supposed to be our baby shower...

but it's not... today is just sunday... any other sunday... and we have nothing to celebrate...

God gave me you....

A few days ago, I was working out and I heard a song that stopped me in my tracks and made me cry... it was a song that played on the "top 40" radio station that I was listening to while on the elliptical... I listened to the entire song then realized where I was... so I played it off like I was sweating and wiped my tears with my towel...

This song made me think... really think about life and everything that has happened in the last month... it made me think of everyone in my life that I have and how every person cares... even when there are no words to say, even when it's uncomfortable, even when I never asked for anything... they still care...

I realized that as difficult as the past month has been for my family, and especially me, that God would not have let us suffer in this alone... that he honestly would never give us anything we could not handle... and I see that God has given our family an amazing blessing...

I remember in the first couple weeks at home, I felt very angry with everything... with the entire situation, with my body, and with God... I could not see the blessing or find things to be thankful for...

But now, I realize that I was just so angry and sad, that I simply did not want to see the blessings... I did not want to see anything positive out of my babies passing, because how could I, when I didn't even want to look forward to the next day...or the next anything... I was stuck and grieving...

Now that it's been a few weeks and I notice that I have more good days than bad, I am able to look at life with a new set of eyes... (I mean, yes, it's not always easy, and yes, I still have moments... but I'm getting there...) but with these new set of eyes, comes a new perspective of my babies passing... I have longer moments where I am so thankful and so blessed for my family and friends... for the unconditional love and support that we have received and continue to receive...

The song was called God Gave Me You... by Dave Barnes

When I heard that song, my first thought was about the twins... I thought about how God gave me these precious babies to change my life, to make me think of things in a new light...

Then, I though of Shane... I thought about how Shane has truly been the greatest blessing in my life... We are by FAR, not a perfect couple, we still fight and complain about each other, we tease and irritate each other for fun, which ends up being annoying... but behind all of that, behind the grammar correcting, fart excusing, lazy frustration... he has become my life, my rock, and my best friend...  Shane is definitely someone who is there for me during my ups and downs, for the days of doubt...

When we came home from the hospital right after the twins had passed away, I remember crying so hard and for so long that there were just no words... nothing to say to each other... but Shane was there... holding me, comforting me, and just giving all of his love to me... Every time I would cry or whenever I needed to talk about Arianna & Brianna or about giving birth or about anything, there he was...

I believe, in all my heart, that God gave me Shane because he knew this would happen... and that Shane would be there to help me get thru this... I feel that God put Shane in my life early so that we could be blessed with Jazlynn... even at the ages of 19/21, we were so young... but God blessed us with this beautiful little girl that has turned our lives around and was the glue that kept us together for so many years... and now, 10 years later, she continues to bless our lives with her compassionate heart and incredible talents... Then God answered our prayers 5 years later and gave us Jayden... our beautiful blond baby girl that although drives us crazy and is such a diva, brings such laughter and fun in our lives...  and then, with the grace of God, 5 years later, we were blessed with the miracle of being pregnant with the twins... and as the road continues to be difficult, I am so very thankful for being able to be on this journey with Shane... he is the love of my life and thru him, my life has been enriched...


This song also reminded me about how thankful I am for my family... especially for my sister, Ashley... She was the one who brought me to the hospital on the day I went into labor and delivered the twins... she takes care of and has unconditional love for my family and for me... I remember growing up, my sister used to be so mean and would beat up my brother and me! but after all of this, I realize that in times of need... my sister will always be someone that I can count on...  Same with my mom, dad, and brother... we may act like a weird family, not affectionate, never say "I love you" to each other, never hug or kiss each other... but really, we are a close family and still make each other laugh thru difficult times...


I am also blessed with wonderful in laws, best friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even "friends-of-friends"... We have received dozens of beautiful cards, letters, prayers, emails, flowers, messages, phone calls, and texts.

I believe that our lives are so blessed... and Arianna and Brianna are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends that care about them...




God Gave Me You
I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

a special place for the girls...

For me, there's not a day that goes by that I do not think about the girls... about how they felt in my stomach, they way they looked when they were born, the struggle they went thru during their days in the NICU, and the day we spent holding them after they had passed... these memories live on in my heart and reply in my mind over and over... I love my memories... they allow me to go back and re-live those moments... and although the future has changed... these memories will remain the same...

Other than our memories, we created a special place for the girls where Shane, Jazlynn, Jayden, and I can go to when we want to see Arianna & Brianna... After the twins services, on Monday, February 27, we brought home the urns and set up this special area... actually, Shane set everything up while I was up in my room looking at pictures... he spent maybe an hour on it, putting in the glass shelves, wiping everything down, then gently placing each item in the perfect place... when he called me down stairs to take a look, I was speechless... of course, I had to rearrange a few things to make it look "better" (because wives just do that)... it was beautiful...

We put all of Arianna & Brianna's keepsake items that the hospital gave us, including their blankets, hand and foot prints, some of the clothing items that they wore in the hospital, some hospital items that were used on the girls like their eye covers, tape, etc. and large butterfly pillows that were hung on their cribs after they had passed (there was even one on my hospital room door that acknowledges that there has been a passing - but I didn't take that one home)...  my brother and his girlfriend Tashia also gave the girls heart-shaped necklaces with little pink crystals in the center that are to represent their memories are always in their hearts... Shane's sister made Arianna & Brianna their own burp cloths with their names and little angles embroidered on them...

Arianna & Brianna also have their own Minnie Mouse ears with their names embroidered on the back... a gift from their older sisters from Disneyland...

Every week or so, we place a new fresh flower arrangement on a little table that sits next to them... Shane said we're going to get a second table and so that we can always have 2 sets of flowers... one for each of our precious angels...

Everything together is wonderful... it's a beautiful place that we can honor our girls... it's where we often pray as a family... it's where Jazlynn and Jayden come down to talk to their sisters and tell them good morning or good night... it's where I stand, for what seems like hours, and wish I were holding them in my arms or listening to them cry... it truly is a special place for the girls...

born alive and lived for 2 days...

There's nothing like receiving hospital bills to remind us of the the birth of our babies, the hospital stay, the NICU, and the passing of our babies... the babies that never made it home with us but yet, still get billed for... billed for an experience that we will never forget and sometimes struggle with the memories of the hospital....

Today we received our first bill and medical insurance statement for "BG1 NTAM" (baby girl 1)... it blew my mind how much it cost to be in the hospital and to have the girls be in the NICU for only 2 days... I had to call the insurance company to resubmit my claim under me instead of creating a dependent since in medical insurance terms, a dependent is someone who lives beyond 4 days.... and since the girls only lived for 2 days, they are to be billed under maternity since the babies had "expired" before reaching dependent status... a maternity bill that came out to $14,400...

It was a difficult discussion to have... it felt like we were talking about merchandise or objects instead of my children...

We have also received the girls birth certificates and social security cards in the mail in the last week... only reminders that a death certificate will soon follow...  So much paper work... so many painful reminders of our stay in the hospital... and the loss of our baby girls...

Sitting here with a desk full of bills and paper work that I'm trying to organize for the girls... I'm reminded that although we loss our girls after 2 days, they were born alive and lived for 2 days... 2 days that were filled with such hope and confidence...

I miss my twin angels so much...  and in their honor, we proudly announced their birth in an announcement that was mailed out to close friends and family... an announcement that while pregnant, I was so looking forward to sending once the girls were born... 

Vacation time isn't the same...

I'm supposed to be on vacation... Well sort of... Shane and the girls were originally supposed to be travelling to California for their Cheerleading competition while I was supposed to still be pregnant and on bedrest with the twins... But since things are different now, I'm here... with Shane and the girls in California...

The cheer competition went well and I am so extremely proud of Jazlynn an Jayden for doing such a great job... Jayden's team (Tiny Level 1) took 1st place and Jazlynn's teams took 4th place (Junior Level 2) and 2nd place (Senior Level 3)... I am so proud...

And on the other hand, I am having such a difficult time being here... I feel like I'm forcing smiles and laughter because that's just what I have to do for my girls...

But today I couldn't hold it in and I had a breakdown in the middle of the day at the theme park we were at... I was so embarrased... I couldn't stop crying... I wanted to run away... I didn't know what I was doing and I was upsetting Shane because of the way I was acting... But I honestly couldn't hold it in...

And now, here I am... It's just pass midnight in California and I can't sleep, my eyes are all puffy and tears are streaming down my face while Shane and the kids sleep... Today marks 1 month since the passing of the twins... One month and I still cry like a baby... How do I keep going when almost every bit of my body just wants to stop?... I am having such a hard time here on this trip where I can't hide in the comfort of my own house and cry when I have these moments... I have to be polite and courteous when all I really want to do is go home and just cry my heart out... How am I suppose to be a good mom to Jazlynn and Jayden when it hurts me so much that Arianna and Brianna are not here on this family vacation.

My eyes hurt... My heart is broken... And I'm awake and missing my babies... all while I'm supposed to be having a great time on this trip...

To Celebrate the Lives of our angels...

We honored the girls in a small and intimate "Celebration of Life" services at our home church, Hope Chapel West Oahu.

I can't express how thankful we are to have our church in our lives... especially Pastor Mike Kai, Pastor Lisa Kai, Pastor Brian Aki, Pastor Frank de Gracia... they have all been wonderful in helping us with the loss of our babies and the gain of our angels...


Opening Prayer and message of hope was given by Pastor Frank... it was beautiful and brought me to tears...

Here are the words from Shane, Jazlynn, and me as we honored our girls...

Shane :

I would like to thank everyone for coming out today to support my family.

Through this difficult situation, I’ve learned that sometimes in life, we wanna question GOD and we want to find the reason behind his doings because maybe we don’t understand why things happen.  We try to make sense of things but we really can’t figure it out.

SCRIPTURE - Proverbs 3:4-6

That’s why I know that everything happens for a reason.  He knows the past, present, and future. As a family, we know that Arianna and Brianna are always with us. We tell Jaz and Jayden that they have angel sisters watching over them.

For me, I don’t question the LORD because I have my full faith and love in him. So I know that our angels are now safe in heaven with our heavenly Father.

Jazlynn:

Arianna, I miss you so much.

Brianna, I miss you so much too.

I hope the both of you don’t fight because Brianna, you were punching your sister when you were in mommy’s stomach.

After you passed away, one of the nurses called and said that she misses you girls because you were the smallest babies in the room.

You girls were 23 weeks old when you were born and you survived for 2 days.

And I know that we only met for 1 day, but we will always be together. Forever

I just want to let you know that mommy, daddy, Jayden, and I love you girls so much.

Nikki:

The love and support that we have received is amazing… from cards and flowers, emails and texts, to simple smiles and hugs… we find peace and comfort in knowing that there are friends and family that care so much… and we are so grateful for the outpouring of support… it means so much to know that people do care.

It’s been exactly 3 weeks since the passing of our little twin girls and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them.  I sit and wonder what I would be doing if they were still in my tummy.  How strong their kicks would be by now, if we would have the nursery almost done.  But these are all just thoughts and painful visions of a shattered dream.

I never thought I would have to speak at my child or children’s funeral or “Celebration of Life” services…  Situations like this are not what a mother thinks of when she finds out she’s pregnant or even after their child is born.  I did, however, think about my children speaking at my own… all the crazy things they would say… but I would hope they would know that their mom loved them without having to ask or be told… because I do love each of my children so much, no matter if they are big or small, blonde or brunette, sassy or sweet, born on time or born too soon, on earth or in heaven… I love all of my children so much that I would give my own life to save the life of my dying child if I could…

I think in this time of grief and despair, I find it difficult to have understanding and to see the blessings… I often pray for things that I want to happen or more like wish would happen… I pray for things to go back to the way it was, I pray for my babies back, I pray that this is all a bad dream… but I have to believe, I have to have the strong faith like Shane, and need to trust in the Lord and not my own understanding… I am growing stronger every day because I have to for my husband and children. I wrote a prayer the day after I came home from the hospital that I would like to share…  

 

 

Heavenly Father... Please stop my tears... I need you now more than ever, please let me know that you are near...

There are no baby cries to be heard, no little lullabies share... Since my precious little babies are no longer here...

I feel like I can't breathe, I sometimes feel lost and so mad, can you hear me when I cry out, Lord, why did you need them in heaven so bad...

I know they're our 2 little angels now and hope they're having fun, but I can't help but wish they were here... Our lives together had only just begun...

Both my babies were perfect, each with 10 little fingers and 10 little toes... And big beautiful blue-gray eyes and each with a cute little button nose...

Lord, you know I had these big dreams and visions of our future... I break down and wish it were still here and not close to being over...

To my sweet Arianna and Brianna, you are so loved and missed every second of the day, mommy feels an empty place in my life where my babies are supposed to play...

Arianna, I remember thinking, you would be our sweet calm baby... Full of beauty and peace, our precious little lady...

Brianna, I remember laughing because you moved so much, I imagined you would be our little trouble-maker, but now just long for your touch…

I sit in the quiet, where I wish I could to hear one of you cry, I never ever imagined holding you both for the first time, and having to say good-bye...

Please remember your big sisters, Jazlynn and Jayden... They were so excited to get to play with you and to decide who was going to be their favorite...

Jaz would have held you, fed you, and protected you to no end... Jayden would have loved to be your 2nd mommy and play dress-up, make-up, and all kinds of pretend...

They are so proud to say they have 2 angel sisters, please watch and protect them every day and remind them that you're both still with us...

And most of all, please remember your daddy... If he could move heaven and earth, he would, just to protect his family...

Daddy reminds us of how blessed we are to have each other... And he loves all of his girls so much and has been the rock and strength that keeps things together.

Ari and Bri please know how much I love you girls... mommy misses you both every day but know you will always be part of my world...

I know I'll hold you again, in heaven, that's the plan... I'll think of you both every day and try to go on with life the best that I can...

My precious little angels... I so want to be with you... and Lord help me to get thru this heartache, please guide my way thru...

I know that things will get easier and my peace will find its way, just like how I know I will always love and miss my little angels...

In Jesus name, I pray... Amen

Closing prayer was given by Pastor Brian... the strengh we needed to move forward...